By Jamee Tenzer, PCC

My 6 year old daughter called me in a panic from school a few weeks ago, the day before St. Patrick’s Day. She had learned that the home-made Leprechaun Catcher she had labored over for days, was due at school THAT morning. We were under the impression that it was due on St. Patricks’ Day since that’s apparently when the mischievous little leprechauns show up, right? Yes, except that the traps have to be SET the day before! Who knew? I don’t have any training in leprechaun etiquette and my background as a professional coach, writer and trainer is absolutely no help in situations such as these.

When she called, I was at the office in a meeting and my schedule that day was a roomy as the old shoebox my daughter had used to make her leprechaun catcher. In other words, there was no way that she was going to have her leprechaun catcher at school, in time. A rush of emotion came over me.

Guilt. How could I have gotten confused about the due date for this project? Anger! Did the teachers communicate the due date with us? Sadness. My heart broke for my daughter, thinking about the effort she had put into the project. Frustration. How can I convey to her that in the grand scheme of things this situation will be easily forgotten? I could have reacted by getting upset, making the situation worse and disempowering all involved. But, there was another choice.

My choice was to react in such a way that the situation was moved forward positively! Easy right? Not really. In fact I’ve been working on this concept for awhile, because I see myself and my clients struggle with occasionally reacting in ways that we are not happy about and result in making things worse, not better. We are busy working moms, multi-tasking with the best of them. But at times, if we juggle too many balls, we find ourselves reacting impulsively. We are so caught up the circus, we’re not actually present.

With this in mind, I developed a strategy that begins with bringing ourselves to the present when we feel that a negative reaction might be emerging. Once we are present we can employ T.A.L.K.

Thought. When we are thinking, we are able to create a context for what is happening – where does this fit into the big picture right now? What is reasonable based on the people involved and circumstances? What is the thoughtful reaction?

Alignment. Who do we want to be in this situation? What are our values in this moment? How can we align with our commitments and values as we react?

Levity. What is potentially funny about this? The things we get upset about are often hilarious in hindsight. Where is the humor in this moment?

Kindness. How can we be kind right now? How can we show compassion to the very people who we feel are causing our reaction? How can we place ourselves in their shoes? How can we be compassionate towards ourselves?

This is how I applied T.A.L.K. to my daughter’s Leprechaun Catcher problem:

As I listened to my daughter, I felt those emotions welling up inside me. I knew I was in danger of reacting, so I took a breath and brought myself to the present. This required that I stop thinking about who was at fault and start focusing on solutions. I put T.A.L.K. into action:

Thought: Talking to my 6 year old about this was going to get me nowhere and be upsetting for us both.

Alignment: What was important here? My daughter getting her needs met and me being responsible towards my associates and clients.

Levity: We were fretting over a Leprechaun catcher! Need I say more?

Kindness: The teachers were doing a great job. My daughter is 6. I am a committed mother. We all deserve compassion and kindness.

I calmly asked my daughter to let me talk to the teacher. We worked out another opportunity for my daughter to share and set her catcher later in the day when my husband could deliver it to school on his break– crisis averted.

It worked! Does this mean that we should deny or avoid expressing feelings? Heck no! In fact, it has been my experience that if we let go of our need to react negatively in the moment, we are better able to express our feelings in such a way that they are heard, allowing us to move on.

Next time, I’ll tell you how I used this strategy when my son informed me he was required to wear a toga to school. Here’s the kicker – we had 7 minutes to pull it together. T.A.L.K. came in handy!

About The Author 

Jamee Tenzer, PCC, is a Certified Professional Coach, published writer and Trainer for the International Coach Academy. She specializes in coaching working mothers who are facing the challenges of overwhelm, time management and lack of life/balance in order to have a more joyful life that truly works for them and their families. For more information, please visit www.lifeworks4ucoaching.com. To schedule a complimentary phone consultation, please email Jamee at tenzer@lifeworks4ucoaching.com.

By Jay Tucker

So, what did you do today? If your schedule is anything like mine you probably woke the kids up, made their breakfasts, nagged them to brush their teeth, got them dressed, and rushed them out the door in a NASCAR type effort to beat the late school bell. I feel a lot like an Army soldier because I do more before 7am than most people do all day!

But the day isn’t done, not by a long shot. I’m also a stay-at-home dad. The rest of my day is consumed by making sure my son and I make the most of it. We have stuff to learn, things to see, lunches to make, and then thankfully, naps to take. Most of the time, the nap is just for him. I typically use that time to answer e-mails, write, clean up, plan dinner, or make a few phone calls. At least the house is quieter, for a little while.

Nap time is short-lived. Immediately after nap time it’s out the door again to pick up my daughter from school. Then it’s time for homework help, dinner prep, and making sure the dog is taken care of. That leads us into the evening. We have activities to attend, engagements to keep, friends to try and meet up with, and the inevitable “boo boo” to mend. When it’s time to put the kids to bed, my wife and I are ready to go into a temporary coma! Remember when you used to wonder why your parents were so cranky?

Well, I have a few ideas that came out of necessity in our house. I can’t honestly say that life isn’t still at break-neck speed, but it’s a little more doable.

• Examine your children’s bed time routine. We have it down to almost military precision at our house. Turn off the television during this time so that every one can concentrate on the tasks at hand. We made a picture chart and laminated it so that each night our kids can check off the tasks like taking their vitamins, brushing their teeth, going to the potty, etc.

• At least one night a week is a “stay-at-home” night. No one and I mean NO ONE gets to leave for any activity. We spend a quiet night at home playing foosball, board games, or reading. Yes, sometimes we watch a little television too.

• My wife and I give each other breaks. Sometimes one of us just doesn’t have the energy to be super parent. When those times occur, we encourage each other to take a little nap or whatever is necessary to get the other one recharged.

• We analyze every new evening activity- When our daughter brings home the brochure for the next “I must be involved” activity, we sit down with her and ask her which one of the current things she is willing to eliminate. I firmly believe that no one member of the family should dominate the majority of the family’s time. I have witnessed marriages that have been ruined because they have allowed all of their time to be taken by driving their children to countless activities during the week.

• Be firm, and let your “no” mean “no”- That doesn’t just apply to the kids. If an activity isn’t flexible and tries to cut into family stay at home night or another activity, make sure the coach or leader of that activity knows that it isn’t acceptable. Bill Gates doesn’t make it to all of IBM’s meetings so I’m sure the 4-5 year old soccer team isn’t going to fall apart if your child doesn’t have perfect attendance. Piece of mind and family unity is much more important.

The time has come to reclaim our precious family time. Just remember, being busy doesn’t necessarily make a life better. I think there is a lot to be gained from a few boring moments in each of our weeks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and make dinner.

About The Author

Jay Tucker is fulltime Youth Minister and dad in Florida and author of “The Whole Youth Worker: Advice on Professional, Personal, and Physical Wellness from the Trenches” from Loving Healing Press. You can read more articles by Jay at his website www.BetterYouthMinistry.com·

by Marsha Finkelstein

As parents you want the best for your kids… the best schools, the best friends, the best opportunities. But, parents often forget what’s in the middle of all that effort – a young person trying to figure out who they are, how they’re going to fit in and what choices they should make.

The good news is that as a parent you’re the key player in guiding your child towards success. The more difficult news is that there are often obstacles along the way and they usually occur during the tween and teen years. This is the time to prepare yourself for parenting a drastically changing person. What might come across as attitude or rebelliousness might actually be a reaction to a parenting style that is often more effective with much younger children. Many experts in the field of youth development, including Dr. Richard Lerner, author of “The Good Teen”, Barbara McRae, author of “Coach Your Teen to Success” and Diana Haskins, author of “Parent as Coach” agree that a positive and more engaged approach is most effective when parenting teens.

The old adage “It’s not what you say, it’s what you do” is a perfect reminder of the importance of both spoken and unspoken communication. Today’s teens juggle endless priorities AND distractions – sports, academics, cell phones, instant messaging, texting, email, internet, social networking, etc. It’s now, more than ever, a necessity for parents to master the ins and outs of communicating with their “plugged in” child.

When it comes to effective communication, paying attention both to what your child tells you and what they “say” in their body language is imperative. If, for example, you’re having dinner with your son or daughter and they have their arms crossed and eyes averted, they’re telling you they don’t want to talk and need time to themselves. Paying closer attention allows parents to more successfully read their teen’s emotional state. Your teen won’t be aware you’re doing this, and I promise I won’t tell.

At the same time, make your communication clear and to the point. Given that many teens won’t listen for long, this will save tons of time and energy. You may need to repeat the message in different ways to get the point across, as your child’s brain may not have developed enough to process what you feel like you keep saying over and over. Knowing this gives you a break from wondering why they don’t seem to listen.

Current research on teen brain development supports what parents have experienced for years. The good news is that the more you can educate yourself about your teen’s brain development and functioning, the easier it’ll be to deal with the typical responses (emotional outbursts, risky behaviors, poor judgment around decision-making, etc.) that come with raising a teen.

So, take some time and practice being an effective communicator. Here are some tips:

• Active Listening – Don’t interrupt – be open to what they have to say, and reflect back to your child what you heard.

• Get to the Point – You may only have 30 seconds to get your point across so use your time wisely, because your teen may not be interested in a long speech.

• Body Language – Pay attention to your body language and keep it open. Arms down, relax your face and body. If you have tension, take a deep breathe.

• Use Technology – Find ways to use your teen’s communication style. Texting and instant messaging can be a great way to stay in touch.

• Communicate Like a Coach (a life coach that is…) – use opened ended questions/statements like “Tell me more about…”, “What was that like?”, “How did that make you feel?”, etc. You’ll be delighted at the responses you get.

• Ask their Opinion – this tells your teen you care about what they think and their opinion has value. And, what teen doesn’t want to feel valued.

• Hold off on Quick Fixes – If your teen’s upset about something, don’t try to fix the problem before you know more. They may not want to talk about it or might need time to sort things out. What you can do is say something like “You seem upset. If you need me, I’m in the other room watching TV.” That tells them your concerned, but also lets them know you aren’t intruding. Chances are, if it’s serious, they’re likely to come back later and talk to you about it.

So now that you have some tips to try out, and you know you’re not crazy, but your child’s behavior is, at least to some degree, on a physiological level, you can take a moment to breathe a sign of relief. And, perhaps find a way to have more fun with your teen? Hey, anything’s possible, right?

About the Author

Marsha Finkelstein is a parent educator, life coach, writer and founder of Moving Beyond Coaching, a company whose mission is to help families support children so that they can grow into successful, happy and healthy adults. For more information, visit the website at www.movingbeyondcoaching.com.

By Jay Tucker

Do you remember the TV show “Leave it to Beaver?” The terrifically sappy show starring Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers…as the Beaver, is a classic portrait of Americana family in the 1950s. Sure the show was unrealistic. All of the problems of the world were neatly settled in 23 minutes and all done without mussing June’s hair. Ah, if life were just that simple!

One of the most important truths that the show conveyed was that family unity must be achieved by spending time together as a family. Just about every episode of the show showed the family dining together. It was typically during these times in each episode where the problem was presented and mom and dad offered their counsel. Beaver and Wally usually tried to do things their own way at first, but ultimately the parental advice saved the day.

Times have changed, but some things have remained the same. Children still have problems and mom and dad have wisdom to share. Unfortunately, the time together spent over a meal has all but disappeared. Most American families spend more time apart than they do together. We live in a society that makes it necessary for both parents to have full-time jobs. Our children are just as busy. They spend at least seven hours a day in school, come home to do hours of homework, and then rush away to work or to be involved in some club or activity. The time for conversation has been reduced to a few passing words uttered as we get to our next task.

We understand that we can’t quit our jobs and that our children still need to go to school. What about the rest of the day? Here are a few thoughts.

• Take advantage of the way young people communicate. Learn how to use the text option on your phone. If you absolutely can not be face-to-face with your child, this is an option that can keep you in the loop.

• Make and post a schedule on the front door of when breakfast, lunch, or dinner will be served. Communicate to your child that this is the result of how much you love them and miss them. Encourage them to be there! You’ll be amazed what happens when you request their presence instead of demand it.

• Let your child determine the topics of discussion. Be creative by asking questions that will lead to discussion about what is going on in their lives. For example, if they want to talk about “American Idol” ask them who they most identify with on the show and why.

• Suggest that your child invite a friend to meal time occasionally. Take the time to get to know their friends. (Even if they have several piercings)

• If, at first, your children aren’t very talkative, don’t force them to talk. Let them enter into the conversation on their own time. Trying to force a young person to talk is like trying to eat Jello with a fork.

• Don’t try to be “cool”. Nothing will turn a young person off faster than trying to act their age. Remember that they WANT your wisdom! The have plenty of friends their own age.

• Avoid these phrases at all cost; “You just think you have problems”, “When I was your age”, “One day you will understand”, “Do as I say and not as I do”, and “Because I said so”

Communication is a skill that takes lots of practice. Understand that it may not go well at the start. Your child will probably resist your attempts at getting to know them better, especially if talking to each other is a foreign concept. Start small! Begin by telling them that you love them and that you truly want to hear about their day. When they do start talking to you, remember to listen! Resist the urge to butt in with a solution right away. Sometimes all they want is for someone to listen to them.

About the Author

Jay Tucker is fulltime Youth Minister and dad in Florida and author of “The Whole Youth Worker: Advice on Professional, Personal, and Physical Wellness from the Trenches” from Loving Healing Press. You can read more articles by Jay at his website www.BetterYouthMinistry.com·

I’m excited to announce that effective March,  we will be opening up a new section on our site here called “Parenting Tips & Resources“, featuring articles by book authors, fellow parents, educators, child development specialists and more.

We will endeavour to bring you a variety of parenting articles that are both interesting and informative and sometimes controversial. So, be sure to come by and show your support for our guest posters.