Some kids are resilient; place them in tough situations and they will (seemingly) do just fine. Resilience is like Bozo the clown, that almost life-sized blow-up creature with sand in its base. Punch him, he rocks, and soon enough, corrects himself, he stands upright again and all is right with the world. So you punch him again. And again. No matter how aggressive you are you can’t knock him over, at least not for long.

Some folks believe Bozo should characterize kids in general. Kids today are too weak, they say, and back in the day were made of sterner stuff. They think kids should take whatever broken glass comes along and keep on moving; stiff upper lip and all that. They think far too much is made of maladjusted children; it seems like so much whining. These folks want life to be simple. Their idea of childhood is stuck in some mythical American past where failure didn’t happen. Just give kids some fresh air, they say, and kids will be fine. Like the nursery rhyme says (almost) leave them alone and they will come home wagging their superior adjustment abilities behind them. But most unhappy kids aren’t resilient. Assuming they should be is just one more indignity the maladjusted child has to deal with.

Too bad its not true. Every kid probably begins life with a capacity for resilience. Many loose it. Spike, the out-of-control ten-year old, lost it. What happened? As with many kids, it isn’t clear what made Spike so unhappy. His parents don’t really know. Spike can’t articulate his feelings nor has he the insight into his own life to be able to tell us. You can’t pinpoint it; there was no single time when somebody beat the crap out of his Bozo. It probably was a series of subtle things that built up. We can guess that life overwhelmed him and he reacted by becoming angrier and angrier.

If Spike were resilient he wouldn’t be Spike. He’d have absorbed the blow(s), whatever they were, righted himself and kept smiling. In order to be resilient, a kid has to maintain a sense of optimism. No one is likely to characterizable Spike as optimistic. In order to maintain a sense of optimism a kid must grab onto someone, probably someone older, as though that person were an anchor. That person can be anyone who is perceived to be strong, reliable, stable and permanent. That person, moreover, really likes the potential Spike, thinks is he is neat, bright, attractive and all the rest. That person is a life preserver that the potential Spikes of this world hang on to while their boat swamps. It allows them to weather all kinds of situations because they know that someone is there for them, no matter what. It can be a grandparent, a neighbor, a teacher, or virtually anyone. They become more than friends. They are a mutual admiration society. They ultimately love one another.

We don’t know but Spike may have tried to reach out when he was just beginning his slide into misery. He may have tried, and no one picked up. He may have tried to find a Mother figure or a father figure. Either one would probably work. The fact that he didn’t find his anchor meant he was at the mercy of events he didn’t understand and could not control. His reactions were instinctive and stereotyped in a way that if he had his anchor, they probably would not have been. So he took control the only way he knew how; by fighting back. It isn’t a fight he can win. His failure to find his anchor probably just made him feel all the more isolated from normal kids. Resilience does not happen by itself. The kid takes an active role in his own rescue. Only those kids who are lucky enough to connect at the right time with someone significant will walk away(more or less) free. He may yet make such a connection. But, he has become so obnoxious and cynical in the meanwhile that he pushes everything away. It makes the outlook for this bit of relief poor. It isn’t too late for members of the extended family or friends of the family to step forward and see if Spike will allow the connection to grow. But they will have to do it in spite of him.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike:  The seriously difficult child  – School

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D

Spike and school don’t mix. Spike is a ten year old, out control kid who would just as soon burn down the place as sit on one of its seats. Why should that be? Well, he has pretty much destroyed home life and has decided to move on. The next logical place to move is the school. Miserably unhappy kids generalize their misery from one place to the next. First it is home, then Sunday school, then public school, then the neighborhood, then the cops and then the judge. This process takes time. If it can be nipped at the bud of home, that’s great. But nipping often doesn’t happen. Spike’s parents are aware that something is wrong. They’ve known it for a while. They drag Spike (to the extent that he will allow anyone to drag him anywhere) from service to service in hopes of finding the connection that will fix him. He is a little beast but for probably very good reason. We don’t know the reason and Spike doesn’t either, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. If Spike will ever agree to go to a therapist, they may be able to figure it out.

Schools, for parents like Spike’s, are often unfriendly places. His parents get calls at work from the principals office saying, “ Come get your Kid. He’s fighting again.” So one of them slinks out of work muttering something about having to pick up their son. They hope everyone in the office will just think the boy broke a leg on the playground; not that he broke a chair over someone’s head which is closer to the truth. To be Spike’s parents is to be embarrassed.

They get called to the school for meetings. It makes them feel two inches tall. None of the meetings are productive. None of them make things better for Spike. It is just meeting after meeting. The school loves meetings. Everyone is very serious. Everyone says, in one way or another, “ Put boundaries around that kid!” as if the school had the remotest idea how to do it or as if Spike’s folks had never thought of it themselves. “Did you ever think of a reward system?” one of them says. They’d like to reply, “What? Are you nuts?” But they don’t. None of them ever had a kid like Spike so they haven’t a clue that reward systems do not work with kids like him. That does not stop them from acting vaguely superior. These otherwise sophisticated parents shrink a bit in their seats. It makes them mad. Spikes’ parents are educated, professional people who are used to respect and authority. Not here. They are obliged to listen to complaint at unproductive meeting after unproductive meeting from people who want them to do something they can’t do themselves; put boundaries around that kid.

The meeting room is an inquisition site; they are always outnumbered: there is the principal, the teacher, the counselor, the school psychologist, the special ed teacher, the aide, the janitor and the bus driver, somebodies girl friend and God knows, who else. On the other side, is just the two of them. They’ve all got complaints but none has a sensible idea. Oh, they fiddle with this part and that part of his school day, but everyone knows its nonsense. There is no way Spike’s parents will prevail in any conversation about him here. They just have to sit and take it. They come out discouraged. They always come out discouraged. Isn’t the school supposed to understand kids like Spike? Surely he can’t be the first one they’ve ever had. Did they do as badly with the others, too? But it doesn’t much matter if they did or didn’t. These folks still have Spike to come home to and all the frustration and disappointment of not knowing what to do there, either.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child – Siblings

by Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike, a ten-year old out of control boy, has a sister. He likes her about as much as he likes his parents which is not at all. His sister comes in handy as a punching bag. Why not? She is just as good as gold. Her behavior is unnatural and it gets under Spike’s skin. Nobody can be that good. They even call her ‘Angelique’. Is that disgusting or what? The reasons it is disgusting is that it isn’t entirely true. That little girl is a con artist. So, Spike feels perfectly justified in punching her whenever she is foolish enough to walk by. Then she screams, “Mama! Mama! Spike’s hitting me again….save me!!” And Mama runs to her rescue yelling, “Spike you horrible child! Take your hands off Angel’s throat this instant! You’ll hurt her!” Oh, really, Spike hadn’t thought about that. If home weren’t so chaotic this fighting wouldn’t be happening. Sibling fighting happens in homes that are filled with tension. It doesn’t happen in calm homes. There is a urban legend out there that says that sibling fighting is a natural part of growing up and that parents just have to put up with it. That’s wrong. Sibling fighting is atypical and can go away. First, parents have to accept that Spike is an angry kid. Then they have to understand that he is directing his anger at them, whether they deserve it or not. Then they have to do something effective about it to make it go away. An end to sibling fighting is a by-product of parenting that can get this kind of situation under control. It will happen when everyone starts taking the bull’s eye off Spike. Spike’s role in the house is to be the resident monster. Everything naturally is his fault. For that reason, Angel can poke him with a quiet verbal stick and get a way it. Everyone assumes the centerpiece is that horrible Spike so they all rush to Angel’s aid, cursing Spike along the way. Well, Angel is just taking advantage of a situation that she understands quite well. She can both victimize Spike and turn herself into the victim at the same time. How do you take the bull’s-eye off Spike’s back? By resolving to no longer let him stimulate you into a negative reaction when something happens. That’s it in a nut shell. You stop making him a center piece and he will get off the table.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child – Raising Your Voice

by Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.

To live with Spike is to yell. Spike is your ten-year old out-of-control son who delights in making you miserable. You’ve tried everything that you can to calm him down. None of it has worked. He has you backed into a corner. You can’t think of alternatives. There seem to be none. Like most cornered animals you react, generally with yelling. It seems like a defense but it isn’t really. You’d think your kid would care if you got angry or not. But Spike doesn’t care. In fact, Spike encourages you to flip out. He thinks it is kind of amusing. He knows you don’t have a lick of control over him and he rubs your nose in it. Everytime you yell at him, he chalks a point for his side. He somehow knows in his ten year old brain that he pushed you into an ineffective tantrum. That’s really what it is: an adult tantrum. If you boiled down your reaction to one of Spikes outrages, you’d see a parent out of control. The only thing missing, from his persepctive, is you throwing yourself on the floor while kicking and screaming. It is a mistake to display yourself to Spike as out of control. It makes you seem, well, pathetic. He doesn’t respect you and an adult tantrum won’t make him change his mind.

Respect is essential if you are to turn the clock on Spike. We respect strength, not weakness. There is nothing in principle preventing you from regaining control over Spike. However it was that Spike got to be Spike, he really only stays that way because you enable his behavior. Sound outrageous? It isn’t. It is as common as rainwater. Everything we do in the name of parenting an out-of-control child is likely to maintain his terrible behavior. Everything. Don’t believe it? Think about your recent confrontations with your Spike. Did you win or lose? What do you suppose Spike would say about those confrontations. Is he adding more chalk marks to his scoreboard? You can’t govern an abnormally developing kid with normal parenting techniques. They will beat you up every time. You need another strategy. Try NEVER raising your voice. Promise yourself, that no matter what (except an bona fide emergency) that you will seem so calm that you can not be heard in the next room. You should apply this to situations that anger you and situations that don’t. Even calling the little monster to the table is now forbidden. Do it faithfully for a month. See what happens. You can impose the calm you want. Don’t wait for Spike to do it. It won’t happen.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike:  The seriously difficult child-Splitting Parents

by Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike, the ten year old out of control kid, splits his parents because they let him. Splitting means Spike comes between them and, in this case, he comes with a vengence. They are so tied up in their own marital unhappiness that they can’t hear themselves fight. They haven’t got a clue that Spike is caught in the middle of the squabble. If they did, they might do something about it. But one parent is so disapointed in the other and so convinced that the other is, among other things, a lousy parent that the idea of yielding ground to the opposite is impossible. So they fight. Spike gets drawn in and behaves badly, but predictably. So one of his parents yells at the other, “ Do something!” and the other parent yells back, “Like what?” and the other one says back, “ You’re the expert! You know everything. You figure it out.”

In fact, neither are experts or this wouldn’t have happened. All the yelling does is throw more fuel on the anger fire. Nothing changes except Spike gets nastier. Thus, he gets in all kinds of trouble; home, school, neighborhood. Somebody needs to pull back. Somebody needs to call a halt. Who will do it? Probably neither parent. Pride is in the way. Dad becomes more rigid. Mom compensates by becoming looser. This is going no where.

Their relationship stopped being a marriage a long time ago. And just to make things worse, Spike takes control of the place simply by becoming outrageous. His outrageousness is coupled with his parents inability to control him. Couples counseling might be a good place to start. But this isn’t the time for one party to enter into a deal with the other. Sensitivities are too raw. There isn’t much trust between Mom and Dad. What they really need to do is to agree on an approach that they separately perform. They shouldn’t set themselves up where one parents says to the other, “See! I told you so. I knew I couldn’t depend on you.” Any deals that might be made ( “You do this for me and I’ll do that for you”) need to come later when they can actually depend on one another to be supportive.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Divorce

by Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.

The most common way Spike, a ten year old out-of-control boy, gets to be Spike is through divorce. But it isn’t the only way and a divorce does not guarantee you will get a Spike. The culprit isn’t really the divorce anyway. It is all the fighting both before, during and after the divorce. Spike picks up two things from all the fighting: one, his fighting parents scare him and he ends up believing the split is all his fault. He believes that if he were a better boy this wouldn’t have happened. This is a hard thing for adults to grasp but it is true. Spike can’t handle the blame he feels and so he lashes out. He is a kid, after all. His understanding as an adult won’t come for decades. By then the damage could be immense. Two, Spike will manipulate the difference between his parents. They are not on the same child rearing page. Dad insists his way is best. Mom insists hers is best. Spike hears it all, especially the arguing parts. He calculates his advantage and happily shows his resentment. He will , then, drive an even bigger wedge between them. Let’s say they aren’t divorced yet; Spike will just about guarantee that divorce happens. It will take a lot to prevent it. Spike will keep pounding and pounding on that wedge. Spike still feels responsible for all the upset but he is also angry. Rather than turn anger entirely on himself, he turns it on his parents, too. Spike’s parents need to pay for his anger. Spike is too young to understand how he feels or the dynamics of fighting parents. He just know his life is awful, that somehow the unhappiness is a reflection on him and that somebody must pay. That somebody is almost always parents. They pay big time. They will pay through a life that is even harder and more disruptive than just the life approaching divorce alone. Of course the divorce can be avoided, unless everyone has already driven over a cliff. It can happen if parents can bring themselves to agree on how to deal with this increasingly hostile child of theirs. One of these parents is going to get Spike in custody; probably Mom. Think she is ready for it? However worthless Mom thinks Dad is, she is likely to find that unless he is an utter jerk, that life without him is actually harder. For more information or to ask a question, go to DrAGibson.com #parenting

About The Author

Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child-Out-of-control

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph. D.

Let’s say that you have an out-of-control ten year old kid named Spike. How he got there isn’t clear. But out of control is out of control: that’s more than clear. There is nothing you can do in the name or reward or punishment that makes a dent in his behavior. Some people think that out of control just means you forgot to take Spike’s cell phone away; they think he’ll snap out of it when you do. They are wrong. If you take away his cell phone, he’ll attack you. He uses implied (and not so implied) threats and has backed you into a corner. He also lies, cheats, steals and swears; and that is just before breakfast. So not only is Spike out of control, he also owns you and the household you live in. He is in charge. You can get just as angry as you like but he is still in charge. Think this scenario is unusual? It isn’t. It is very common. And you, the tax payer, end up paying for it because you foot the bill when Spike is sent to a residential school. The cost is about $75,000 per year per kid. And guess what? The placements almost always fail. Spike just learns to shut up so he can be discharged. When he returns home, he often starts up all over again.

If parents weren’t so desperate they wouldn’t think that the State could be a better parent than they are. But since they feel like complete failures as parents, they don’t think clearly. They need to learn how to distance themselves from their kid. The problem is they have been trying to put boundaries around their Spike. It doesn’t work. They need to put them around themselves. It is much more effective. If they will, they actually can have a family again. A good place for them to begin is to examine all the things they do for Spike which aren’t absolutely necessary. Then they should stop doing them. Parents are only obliged to provide the basics. When Spike decides to be decent, they can add the special things back in. Anything above basic he needs to earn by being respectful. This is not a deal; they say nothing to Spike. They simply begin quietly to take back the control that they lost in a futile effort to corral Spike. For more information go to DrAGibson.com #parenting

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

By Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.,

 author “ Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child”

On the web at DrAGibson.com and  blogging at Gotanangrykid.com

All Rights Reserved.

Swearing is a right of passage. Once you become an adult, you can swear. Children, on the other hand can’t. Ever. We want children to be innocent. Cursing is too vulgar for their innocent tongues and, thus, too vulgar for us to hear. Spike, an out-of-control ten year old, doesn’t care. He loves vulgar.

Swearing can’t be depicted in most media. It’s for our children’s protection. We want to keep our children from the evil world as long as possible. Even naughty children aren‘t supposed to swear. Of course, there are exceptions. Take Spike, for example: Spike can’t produce a sentence without a curse. It gets him attention

Sex, too, is also only for adults. So it shocks when cursing , not to mention sexualized cursing, comes out of a kid’s mouth. We don‘t expect it. It makes a kid seem low class, rebellious and defiant. This is exactly why the Spikes of this world engage in it. It makes them feel powerful and dangerous. Swearing gets them noticed. Spike doesn’t care what class you put him in. He knows that sexualizing his cussing is like lighting a firecracker.

A swearing kid does not fear punishment; he wants to rebel and wants to feel bigger than his shoe size. A swearing kid who can get away without punishment is one tough dude. Punishment isn’t one of Spikes concerns. Nobody punishes him for anything. They can’t. He doesn’t accept it. He is likely to give punishment right back if they try.

Swearing sets the normal kid apart from the abnormal kid. The abnormal kid does not fit in so he emphasizes his misfit by not caring. He violates public decorum rules and dares anyone to object. Some people give him a lot of anger. Most people give the kid a wide berth. This reinforces his sense of a perverse kind of special. He is unique. On the one hand, he is rejected by those he claims to despise; on the other, he is responsible for his own rejection. The latter is a nicety which is lost on the kid.

The kid is in control. The control may seem backwards. Doesn’t matter. This is how abnormal kids keep what sense of pride that they can. It isn’t a pride that gets them what they need. But it does get them respect through fear. Such a kid is potentially dangerous. Many adults around the kid seem apprehensive. They are uncertain how he will react. The kid picks up on the apprehensiveness which reinforces his strategy. It is as though he says, ‘if I can’t be liked, I will be feared.’ Put two or three of these kids together, and you have a gang. Now instead of being apprehensive, adults are afraid. This is big in an abnormal kid’s life. Much of it stems from a kids willingness to be seen as atypical through swearing. Take out the swearing, and the sense of danger collapses. Swearing is the glue holding the various parts of the atypical kid’s need for opposition together.

So what does a parent do? Absolutely nothing. Literally. There should be no acknowledgement on any level that Spike’s cursing has any impact on you. You may say, “ Well, doesn’t this show that I approve?”

Ignoring does not show approval of anything. It shows you don’t care. Caring is important to Spike. He has to know that his rotten behavior matters; it’s what keeps the behavior going. If you remove any trace that you care, it won’t continue. You have more authority over Spike’s swearing that you know. You think that because Spike cusses you that he hates you, rejects and you, holds you in contempt. At one level he does. At another, he wants you to accept the real him, which is deep down, hidden but still alive. You can’t reach the real Spike by reacting to the unreal Spike. You want the real? Ignore the unreal. When the real emerges, as it will, then you can react.

About The Author

Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, in Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. Her invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com and to visit his blog at gotanangrykid.com.

By Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.,

author “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child”

On the web at DrAGibson.com and blogging at gotanangrykid.com

Spike is a ten year old out-of-control child. There is nothing his Mom and Dad can do by reward or punishment that actually works. He will resist anything. Yet, they try to force him into change. They think aggressiveness will subdue him. It won’t. They are doomed to find out the hard way.

One way they try to get Spike to behave is to threaten him. They get in his face. They raise their voice. They are hostile. They tell him he’s gonna get a slap if he doesn’t stop. They grab for a ruler, yardstick or something to shake at him. The dare him to step over the line. Everything is a threat. They are oblivious to his anger. Spike will step over the line anytime he feels like it. He doesn’t give an inch. He gives back what he gets.

What is the story with these people? Why can’t they see that this kid isn’t budging? Because they are stuck, that’s why. You can’t persuade Spike to do anything by threatening. Threatening is okay to keep a normally developing kid in line; it isn’t okay to manage an out-of-control child. It doesn’t work. Spike’s parent’s experience with their son should be obvious. But their experience hasn’t sunk in yet: out of control means out of control. Threat is a control technique. It is D.O.A.for Spike before it even leaves his Dad’s mouth.

Don’t they see and hear that Spike is doing the exact same thing to them as they are to Spike? He doesn’t shrink from their anger; he steps up to it. He yells. He swears. He insults. He threatens violence, too. Dad gets carried away and slaps Spike. Spike punches him back. Somebody threatens to call the cops. Somebody else says, “Go Ahead! Who cares?”

Spike doesn’t care. Cops don’t scare him. His folks have called the cops before. Nothing happens The cops have better things to do than referee this dogfight. They’ll threaten the family with a warning; they’ll scold his parents in front of him; they’ll get all tough sounding to Spike; then they’ll leave, just like last time.

We need an adult here. This kid is a coiled snake; if his parents ever want to hear the words ‘Spike’ and ‘normal’ in the same sentence they need to make changes. They may have given up even hoping that will happen. They shouldn’t. They must be poised, and dignified. They need a calm, low tone of voice. They need to say as little as possible. They should not touch him. They should keep a comfortable distance between themselves and him. The less they do the better.

No surprises. No threats. Spike is out of control. It’s his parent’s job prepare for his return to civilized behavior. They can. They need to give him the fewest possible excuses to become enraged. Send him away to a residential school? Bad idea. He’ll come back in a year or so and pick up where he left off. A big parenting change is required. If Spike’s parents are seriously considering a residential school, they are advised to learn how to manage him first. Otherwise, he is likely to run away from the school.

If he wants to talk, listen. But don’t beg him. Don’t allow provocation to upset you. Stay calm and focused. Tone is important. Deflect inappropriate comments. Don’t say anything negative. Be aware of your anxiety level. He is sensitive to parental anxiety and feeds on it. Don’t be humorous. Don’t praise or flatter him. Don’t sympathize either. If there is a problem, try breaking it down into smaller actionable pieces. If he can’t handle it, don’t.

Will this make Spike stop? No, not by itself. It’s a step. It represents a huge change from the parent who got in his face and slapped it. Threats are only good against the weak.

About The Author

Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day ( you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com or blog at gotanangrykid.com

By Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.,

author “ Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child”

On the web at DrAGibson.com and blogging at Gotanangrykid.com

All Rights Reserved.

The more Spike’s parents understand him, the more they understand that he is in control of them. This isn’t comforting, but it is accurate. The problem is, of course, they don’t understand him at all: he is ten years old, out of control, can’t be governed by reward or punishment and owns the place. Since they don’t understand him, they completely miss the fact that he is in control. But just look at the facts: He draws all attention to himself to the irritation of everybody else. He does outragous things and no one can figure out what to do about them, other than to get angry. He leaves everyone fuming by his antics. He is threatening, disrespectful and often a liar. He gets the school upset, and on and on. We aren’t going to figure out why Spike is the way he is; that is an issue for therapy. If wise, we’ll just accept it. What we will do, instead, is try to understand one of his techniques: his ability to surprise his parents.

Spike seems to be one step ahead of everyone. He is negative, so his parents try to be positive. They end up thinking in opposite directions. As a result, they underestimate him. They struggle to convince themselves that he really isn’t as awful as he is. Except he is. Reality is too tough to bear. Thus, they set themselves up for surprises.

There is no defensible reason why his parents should be surprised by anything Spike does. They’ve had lots of experience with him. But they allow surprise; repeatedly. It’s called denial, caring or wishful thinking. Take your pick. On top of that, Spike’s parents may say, “He can’t help himself. He’s ADHD, you know.”

ADHD may be accurate but any diagnosis tends to give parents something they can hide behind. They say, “ Whew! That’s a relief. He got himself a disease and there is nothing either of us can do about it.” Unfortunately, kids tend to grow into their psychiatric labels, not away from them. This doesn’t mean that parents should give up hope, though many do. It means they need to have their eyes wide open so that hope can happen. Hope based on fantasy won’t work. Hope based on an honest understanding of Spike will.

In practice Spike is able to play his parents. He sees their hesitation, confusion and their wishful thinking. He manipulates them under their noses. Imagine that you are walking up a stairway. You turn a corner, Spike jumps out and says, “BOO!!”

Pretty funny, huh? But Spike’s parents don’t catch on. They act surprised. He thinks they’re stupid and isn’t shy about saying so. But they aren’t stupid. They are frazzled, depressed and snagged by life’s challenges. But they don’t think strategically because they can’t accept him the way he is. They need to. It’s their only hope. When they do, they will prepare themselves for the liklihood of him jumping out and saying, “BOO!” When they do, they won’t be surprised and spike won’t get the satisfaction of watching their reaction.

Spike’s surprises aren’t generally of the “BOO!” variety; they are often acts of simple meanness. He takes things further than anyone else. He reacts quickly and dramatically to small events. He catches his folks flat-footed. Spike trumps whatever his parents do and raise the ante. He knows no limits. Limits are for everyone else. Consequently, he is always one step ahead. Then they get surprised and say that can’t believe whatever happened, happened.

Huh? Can’t believe it? Why not? Becaue they don’t want to. If Spike’s parents understood that he controls everything around him, they’d have a plan. They have to think ahead, understand how Spike is likely to behave and act accordingly. It isn’t difficult but it does take vigilance. It takes accepting Spike the way he is right now while planning for things to be better. Accepting Spike the way he is does not mean giving up. It means beating Spike at his own game.

About The Author

Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day ( you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, in Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. Her invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com and to visit his blog at gotanangrykid.com.