It’s summer and the kids are excited, no school… you’re a bit overwhelmed thinking how am I ever going to keep them busy and out of trouble? Of course there are sports, video games, hikes, but the weather isn’t always cooperative and there are 24 hours in each of those three months of summer.

A great activity for summertime is crafts. Crafts are great, not only because they are fun and can be very inexpensive, but craft projects have been proven time and again to be one of the best activities for quality interaction between parents and children. Crafting is a great way to stimulate your children’s imagination while spending some great family time. If you have never tried crafting with your family, then you will be proud by how readily your children take to these creative projects.

Many of the major craft stores have great summer craft classes and most of them are free. Check with local stores, community recreation centers and other parenting resources to discover what is available.

Here are just a few of the numerous benefits that your children will take away from your crafting time together:

1. Increased Self Esteem: Children develop self-esteem and pride from working on projects with their “adult” helpers.
2. A Boost in Creativity: Craft projects develop creativity, along with the ability to think and problem solve. Kids will dream up new thoughts, ideas and even methods of creating original projects.
3. Develop Patience and Perseverance: Craft projects teach persistence and the ability to systematically and logically work a project through to completion. There are all skills that will prove invaluable later in life!
4. Making Memories: Most importantly, family crafting is amazing fun. Your time spent crafting with your children will create priceless family time and memories.

On the topic of making memories, there are many great summertime family craft projects you can do with your children to preserve summer memories.

A few great ideas for preserving your summer memories include:

1. Collecting: Save everything, ticket stubs, cards from restaurants you visit, the brochure from a museum, and of course, some pictures from your trip. A favorite project for me is to take these collected items, decopage them onto a board and then make a picture frame using anything from wine corks, to sea shells, or even decopaged mat board. This has an eco-element to crafting too teaching kids to creatively reuse and repurpose seemingly throw away items. Consider giving each child a page in the scrapbook with their designs that depict their summer vacation….think Picasso…it doesn’t have to look like what is depicts!
2. Journal Activities: Have your children journal about their summer days. If they are too young to journal themselves, you can have them tell you about their day and you can write it for them. They can also add photos or drawings to illustrate their day.
3. Go on a Nature Walk: You can take photos or draw pictures of the beauty you see. Then you can do everything from making scrapbook pictures to making birthday and thank you cards to keep on hand.
4. Make a Family summer Vacation Scrapbook: Give each child a page in the scrapbook with their designs that depict their summer vacation….think Picasso.. it doesn’t have to look like what is depicts!
5. Make a Family Time Capsule: This is a tried and true memory preservation idea. You can use most anything as the “capsule.” Even an old shoe box can work. Have each member of the family choose something to put in the capsule. It can be a journal, a DVD, photos, a toy, or other items. Also, have everyone write a note or draw a picture and put it in the capsule. Then let your children tape and decorate the box so it will be until the determined opening date! Finally put it away in the back of a closet, the attic or even bury it in the back yard.

As you begin to craft and create regularly you will see that your children will grow more confident with their own creativity. They will look forward to spending this special time with the family. The best benefit is that you will be making new memories as you are preserving old ones!

About the Author:

Sandy Sandler is founder of non-profit Crafters 4 Kids and creator of the QVC best-seller, the Bowdabra. Her frugal craft projects and activity ideas are designed to transform the creatively-challenged into creative pros. Sandy’s focus is on creative and easy projects that parents can do with their kids and that kids can even do on their own that are both frugal and green in nature. Crafters 4 Kids focuses on projects that can be done under 5 minutes and under $5. Visit www.C4K555.org. Contact Sandy at jaimevivre@mac.com.

Michael L. Bishop, M.B.A., Ph.D.

Executive Director, Wellspring

Studies show nearly 90% of overweight teens become obese adults, bringing a heightened risk of medical, social, emotional, and financial complications. If your child has a weight issue, you may have already noticed the emotional impact: lower self-esteem, little motivation, social isolation, perhaps behavioral issues in school or at home. Studies have shown that overweight children are less likely to attend or graduate from college, and more likely to occupy a lower socioeconomic status as adults.

As Executive Director at Wellspring, the leading provider of effective, scientifically based treatment for obese and overweight adolescents and young adults, I can personally attest to the level of resistance some parents feel when it comes to discussing a weight issues with their child. Parents feel that their child will become defensive and that broaching the subject will only cause a divide in an already stressed relationship.

In these situations, it’s the role of the parent to make the right decision for the child’s health. We advise parents to sit down with their child and explain the decision:

“Honey, I care about you so much. Nothing is more important to me than your health, and that’s why we’ve made the decision to seek treatment for your weight.”

In nearly 100% of these cases, once child begins treatment in an emotionally-safe environment where they are not being judged based on their weight, the resistance or reluctance lessens and eventually disappears.

A parallel can be made with another serious health problem such as cancer. If your child had cancer, would getting treatment be up for discussion or would you insist they are treated with the most advanced methods available?

A recent study by The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) confirms that obesity can shorten life spans on average by up to 20 years, depending on factors such as gender, age and race. In fact the Centers for Disease Control now lists obesity as paralleling smoking as the number 1 cause of preventable death in the United States. Certainly if you child decided to light up a cigarette in your living room this would not be up for discussion. Being obese while living in your home under your care should not be up for discussion either.

Parents today need to be proactive about their child’s health both at school and at home. You can teach your children healthy lifestyle skills utilizing these two basic concepts: 1) reduce your caloric intake and 2) increase your daily physical activity.

Wellspring recommends 10,000 steps each day using a pedometer to track your activity. Pedometers are inexpensive, and this is an easily calculated and measurable goal. Using a pedometer the entire family can participate in many different sports and activities in order to reach your daily goal of 10,000 steps.

Activities can include a daily walk around the neighborhood after school or work, walking the dog in the morning, a family game of basketball or baseball, or even just throwing a ball back and forth in the front yard. Anything a family can do together that requires taking steps can be beneficial. The important thing is that activity is tracked and that 10,000 steps are completed each day, even when you don’t feel like it.

Parents can role model healthy lifestyles for their children by involving them with each step of the food preparation process. For example, parents can involve their children in planning healthy, well balanced meals. Going to the grocery store with your child can be an educational opportunity if you ask your child to read the food labels and choose foods with the lowest level of calories and fat. Avoiding impulse buys and sticking to planned meals can role model self control and the importance of a low calorie, low fat lifestyle for your kids.

If simple changes like taking 10,000 steps per day or making healthier food choices are not resulting in noticeable improvement, you should consider more intensive, effective, scientifically based programs depending on degree of need: a weight loss camp for moderate need or weight loss academies for greater needs for changes. At these specialized programs adolescents and teens learn how to control their weight in a supportive, nurturing atmosphere.

About The Author

Dr. Bishop is Executive Director of Wellspring, the leading provider of effective, scientifically based treatment for obese and overweight adolescents and young adults. Mike is a licensed psychologist specializing in behavioral change who has lost approximately 100 lbs on the Wellspring Plan.

Emma Jenner, child development, sleep and behavioral specialist

Founder, Emma’s Children www.emmaschildren.com

1. All children regardless of age must have their own passport. For further information go to http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/minors/minors_834.html
2. If someone other than the biological parents is traveling with a child they must carry a letter of authorization from the parents. This should state that you (the parents) give named person permission to travel with your child (child’s name) in and out of specified countries. Include a contact number where you can be reached at all times in the case of an emergency or any potential complications.
3. Check for vaccinations that may be required for the country to which you’re traveling. Remember to take the vaccination certificates with you to prevent refusal of entry upon arrival.
4. Buy a comprehensive health insurance plan that will cover everyone in your travel party whilst abroad in case of an emergency.
5. If you have any concerns about your child’s health (ear ache, sore throat) you should consult with Doctor before traveling. Children cannot travel with contagious diseases, for example: Chicken Pox.
6. If your child requires formula be sure to check with your airline and airport about their security regulations as each vary. Depending on their regulations in regards to taking milk through security you may need to take powered formula and buy bottled water once you’re through security.
7. Children over the age of two are required to have their own seat. Instead of traveling with bulky car seats there are now FAA approved harness style safety devices for children 22-44lbs.

Keeping your child happy and comfortable on the plane, please follow the tip that’s age appropriate for your child:

-Remember your child’s comfort blanket or favorite soft toy. Take an extra blanket, as it can get chilly.

-Buy new reading books, coloring books (Color Wonder is great) and toys that your child hasn’t seen. This will keep their interest longer and prevent them from getting bored.

- A Personal DVD player is a blessing to resort to when your child is beyond entertaining. The ‘Leapster’ by Leap Frog along with educational games is also a wonderful source of entertainment. For your fellow passengers please don’t forget headphones.

-The pressure during take-off and landing can really hurt a child’s ears, depending on the age make sure you have a drink or lollypop on hand. Sucking helps relieve the pressure.

-Always bring change of clothes incase of spills or an accident and if you have room throw in a spare top for yourself especially if traveling with a young baby.

-Ensure you have enough supplies; diapers, wipes, sippy cups or bottles. Bring plenty of snacks and or formula.

-Carry on Tylenol or Motrin (must be under 3.4oz/100ml), for the unexpected fever or teething pains etc.

-Understand it’s a lot to expect a child to sit still for any length of time. Allow them to stretch their legs by walking up and down the isle. This can also calm and soothe an unhappy younger child or baby.

Wishing you safe and happy travels!

About The Author

Emma Jenner, a child development and behavioral specialist, was raised in Oxford, England until the age of 12 then proceeded to live in various parts of the world including Germany and Cyprus before returning to England where she specialized in childcare at Salisbury College.

Emma first worked as a nursery school teacher. Her love of children, of all ages, led her to a career as a professional nanny and baby nurse for over a decade. During this time, Emma worked with a variety of high profile and celebrity families. An entrepreneur, Emma founded a sleep consulting business and a nanny-training academy in the Los Angeles area. She was also the star of the popular TLC series Take Home Nanny, where she worked closely with parents to give them the tools necessary to allow them to regain control of family chaos.

With an abundance of experience and proficiency in raising children and with a specialization in sleep training, Emma has recently launched Emma’s Children, a consulting service whose goal is to provide parents the tools they need to take care of their most valuable asset.

A fun-loving, busy individual, Emma believes in raising children with a firm, disciplined, yet loving and nurturing approach — one that insists on good manners and respect to and from all family members. She strives in her work to create harmony in the home by helping parents maintain a loving and nurturing environment.  Emma’s expertise has been broadcast on syndicated radio show as well as several parenting magazines.

Many families are struggling these days to make ends meet, and sometimes the first thing to go when faced with a tough financial situation is what food you’re putting on the table. What many families don’t realize is that you can eat healthy without breaking the bank.

Some food is cheap for a reason; it is made from the poorest quality ingredients and with an abundance of additives to cover up the poor quality and taste. Food is medicine. So if you take your health into account, processed food or fast food is not cheap at all – it leads to poor health which leads to higher medical bills.

We all want to feed our families good food, and it doesn’t have to stretch the budget to do so. Here are some words of advice:

• Although I advise that my patients eat organic as much as possible, you don’t have to buy everything organic to avoid pesticides – some fruits such as bananas and oranges have thick skin which keep pesticides out.
• Your local produce stand or farmer’s market can be a great source for healthy bargains. For the best deals, shop often and look for reduced produce or end-of-the-day specials.
• Instead of white pasta or white rice, go for for frozen vegetables with no additives. Cruise down the frozen food aisles, and you’ll find big bags of veggies at bargain prices – sometimes as little as $1 a bag.
• Slash your produce prices even further by growing your own vegetables and fruits. Like fresh herbs? Grow your favorites in small pots by the kitchen window, and take a snip whenever you need it.
• Beans and lentils, whether canned or dried, make nutritious, hearty soups, and can be a main course with the addition of fresh vegetables or rice.
• Although brown rice takes more time to cook than white rice, the nutritional payoff is well worth it. The same goes for pasta. Pasta, whole wheat variety, is quick and easy to prepare, and can be paired with veggies, meat, or a fresh salad. Have fun adding your own embellishments (mushrooms, spices, and herbs).
• Reserve a day for cooking – plan the week and even freeze food to be used later.
• Save your vegetable trimmings to make your own vegetable stock. Not only do you save money, but vegetable stock also makes a nutritious base for casseroles and soups.
• Capitalize on one-pot dishes, which generally save prep time and money, and often make great leftovers.

Saving money on grocery bills does not have to come with sacrificing our health. For more information, including healthy recipes and shopping lists from The Perfect 10 Diet, please visit www.perfect10diet.com.

About the Author

Dr. Michael Aziz is board certified in internal medicine and the founder of Midtown Integrative Medicine on Madison Avenue. Dr. Aziz is also an attending physician at St. Vincent’s Hospital, where he teaches residents and medical students. He is a member of the American College of Physicians and the American Society of Internal Medicine, and a fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine in the United Kingdom. Dr. Aziz has been a national and international speaker in front of many distinguished organizations including the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine, the leader in natural hormones replacement. He is the author of The Perfect 10 Diet.

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike saves all his charm for everyone except parents and teachers. Teachers are just an extension of parents and he doesn’t like either one. Spike is a ten year old, out of control child with a psychiatric diagnosis and a long history of being a pain in the neck. Or worse.

Spike thinks teachers are annoying. They don’t like him. He doesn’t like them. He can find something wrong with any of them and use it for justification to say and act out anything that he wants. They get impatient with him easily. Sometime they yell. They are often sarcastic. Their tone of voice sounds like it was scraped off the street. They are disrespectful and often can not find the strength to be kind. As far as Spike is concerned, all they do is push him away. So he pushes back.

Teachers, it turns out, are parents. By and large they are no more effective in dealing with kids like Spike than any other set of parents. They think that when they have a kid like Spike in their classroom, that their obligation is to let the kid know, as often as he needs reminding, that he is wrong.

Spike gets the message all right. But it doesn’t make him want to conform to their idea of ‘right’ any more than his parent’s nagging will. Like parents, they are also stuck in the negative, thinking that there is where they are supposed to be. After all, a disrespectful kid can’t be tolerated, can he?

Not only do teachers commonly find numerous parent-like ways of rejecting problems like Spike, they are also quick to accuse parents themselves of malpractice in parenting. Parents feel this very sharply. Teachers want parents to do something that they themselves can’t. Teachers, like most parents, are stuck in punishment as though their notion of punishment actually punishes. Accusation, for instance, is a form of punishment.

But does accusation have its desired impact? Probably not. It just builds resentment. As most parents of the Spike’s of this world understand, just because you are a professional in the child business doesn’t mean you are a good model. But it is also true that parents can often see negativity in teachers before they see it in themselves.

So, what to do? There is no reason that teachers need to hide behind, “ But I have 25 other kids!” as an excuse for sounding unkind. The other 25 need kindness, too. There is also no reason a teacher can’t establish and can’t keep high standards while at the same time sounding accepting.

A kid may need to go to the office, but he doesn’t need sarcasm, a crappy tone of voice, anger or impatience to get him there. It won’t get him to the office any faster nor will it keep the kid from returning to class any differently.

Teachers need to set the model that they want to see in parents. They are in a much better position to advise when they do.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike has friends. Spike is ten years old and a behavioral tsunami. That means, he doesn’t hang around the house any more than he needs to. He resents his parents so he makes himself scarce as a way of coping. It would, of course, be better if he hung around and tried to make things better but that isn’t the way the behaviorally disturbed think. So he exits.

Spike exits to a place that he thinks is safer; his friends. His friends are not gems, not by any means. They all have their dysfunctions. They all have their psychiatric diagnoses. They all have been dragged from program to program by their parents in an attempt to straighten them out. The dragging didn’t work. They all find one another as a kind of bottom feeding refuge. These kids are all losers; they are not tolerated by the normally adjusted peers. They live in a limbo that has labeled them as part rejected and part neglected. They have reputations as bad boys and bad girls. The good boys seek out the bad girls for a little slumming. The bad boys find their own bad girls.

Everyone needs someone. They are few genuine hermits out there. So these kids gravitate towards one another. They are various ages, genders and levels of craziness. It doesn’t matter. They can’t be real choosy. They are at or near the bottom of the social barrel.

These kids aren’t the hoped-for influences on one another that parents would prefer, although in large part these kids are secrets. They aren’t often brought around the house. They certainly don’t stay for supper when they do come by. As a result, parents don’t know a lot about these kids but what they do know they don’t like.

Parents are powerless to do much of anything about these companions in delinquency though they tend to act as though they do by saying silly things like, “I don’t want you hanging around with Zeke!” as though that has an ounce of impact.

The good news is that the bottom feeders are often temporary. The bad news is that temporary is largely in the hands of parents. The way that parents react to Spike, in general, makes all the difference in the world. If they chose to react, whether he is nasty or kind, in always the same, low-keyed, non-judgmental way, they will find that Spike will respond. As he gets more confidence he will gravitate away from this group.

Spike won’t give his pals up because his parents tell him to. He will give them up if you can strip away any sense of threat, criticism or rejection. It is a big job but it is a doable job.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Mrs. Longobardi in Hartford writes that her Spike, a ten year old terror, attacks his younger sister without provocation. There doesn’t seem to be anything she can do to stop it. She has tried everything she knows. The kid pounds on the little one at will.

Mrs. Longobardi didn’t give a lot of other information, but we can surmise that if Spike is assaulting his sister that other things are going on. The beatings probably aren’t isolated.

Older kids generally attack younger siblings because they can. It is an old abuse story: victims are sniffed out because they are perceived to be weaker. Certainly a younger sister will fit that category.

The attacks happen in families in which there is a lot of anger and the tension that surrounds it. Generally the anger is a reciprocal problem between parents and a specific kid, in this case Spike. But, it is very likely that Spike’s resentment means that he wants an easy target on which to vent his own frustrations.

The assaults on the younger sibling have less to do with the younger sibling that they do with the atmosphere of the home. Sure, the younger one may be setting Spike off more than you think. The presumption of innocence has probably been over extended to the little one. But that likely fact doesn’t change much.

Spike is hypersensitive, hyper-threatened and hyper-reactive. He feels as though everyone is bearing down on him (they probably are), that he is always accused of things which he may or may not have committed (that’s true, too) and that no one gives him a break (again, probably true). Since he made himself into the dysfunctional family centerpiece, they react accordingly.

Their reaction keeps him on edge. If anything happens that even remotely looks like criticism, he swings into full defensive mode. Part of the way he defends himself is to smack the snots out of his little sister. Spike goes after her partially because she is complicit in making him feel lousy. He also goes after her because she is easier to overwhelm than his parents. This doesn’t meant that he treats his parents gently.

Oh, no. But it does mean that he can get more bang out of his assault buck by shoving her against a wall than his parents. She can’t fight back effectively. The meanness he feels needs expression, so he will find outlets where he can and use them.

The antidote is, of course, to reduce the tension in the household by removing Spike as the centerpiece. His parents may say, “Well, he puts himself there by his ratty behavior.” but that is only one half of the equation.

The other half is how they react. So, the educated guess is that Mrs. Longobardi reacts to every negative thing that Spike does. She reacts because she thinks she is supposed to react.

But if she will just step back a moment and examine this scenario, she will probably determine that her reactions do not make anything better. They don’t stop Spike. They probably just prolong the fight. In that case, Mrs. Longobardi needs to seriously experiment with not reacting.

Mrs. Longobardi should maintain whatever household standards she can but she can also do it in a way that is essentially neutral. If she violates her neutrality, that is a sign that she is ineffective in some specific situation.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Mrs. Jones in the Hartford, Connecticut area, writes to say that her ten year old son, Spike, steals. He steals from them, from his grandparents and from everyone else. And yet he has everything that any kid could possibly want. What is the story?

In our times, when we see a kid stealing everywhere we suspect drugs or alcohol. We assume he is trying to raise money to pay for them. But Mrs. Jones’ comment that he has everything already suggests something else is going on.

First, check out the possible drug connection. Look for some tell-tale signs: Does he display mood swings? Got a new set of friends? School performance worse than usual? Unusual trips to the doctor? Any of your booze missing? Attitude particularly negative? Does his clothing change for the worse? Does he use breath mints? Has be become even sloppier? Anyone ever suggest he might be using?

This is just a start and you can do a quick internet search to learn more if any of these things seem suspicious. But other than that, miserably unhappy kids steal because everything is theirs to begin with. They have a gross sense of entitlement. If you offer them a piece of pie, they will insist on taking the whole thing without so much as a thank you. They certainly do not feel any obligation whatsoever to work for future pie. They are entitled to pie, especially your pie. Period

The circumstances of Spike’s life, whatever they are, has convinced Spike that everyone has taken from him so he is going to take back. And, moreover, whatever he gets he should have gotten more of.

Generally what happens with kids like Spike, if their parents enroll in a serious course of learning how to detach themselves from his bad behavior, it will gradually go away. It is a hard route but an effective one when parents are ready for it.

The good news is that one of the things that parents can usually count on happening, is that the stealing will stop if they do a really good job of learning how to control themselves.

Therapy probably won’t do the trick though parents of kids like Spike should be in it anyway for the comfort they are likely to get. Spike will, of course, have nothing to do with it. Therapy relies too much on talk and Spike is immune to talk. He probably sees the therapists as an extension of his folks, anyway. It isn’t going to fly.

Spike needs action. The heavy lifting of eliminating all of Spike’s bad behavior, including stealing, is more likely to come from an active parental demonstration that what he does negatively won’t get the attention it used to receive. If we assume that stealing is just attention getting behavior we can test the theory by never reacting negatively to Spike’s incidents of theft. Escort him back to the store if you can. But don’t harangue him on the way. If he refuses to be escorted, drop it. This is the model for dealing with the rest of his bad behavior, too. It all adds up in ways parents never imagine.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Hi! I’m Su Chin, and I am a parent of 3 boys. I’m not a parenting expert with PhDs and accolades behind my name. I’m just an observer and a learner. I learn so much from my kids. I learn so much from other people’s kids. I volunteer as a parent helper for my Grade 1 son and my 3 year old Kinder son. I’m no expert in the Teen years yet…but I’m taking all this in now, to gain experience points (oh no..playing too many games on Facebook!) to help me cope with the not-so-distant teenage years.

Here, I’m going to share with you how we should prepare our kids that failing, is part of success. One example I’ve experienced is playing board games with my first son. We first started playing, when he decided to join the chess club in school. Chess. Hmm…probably the hardest game to win. Well, he learnt how each piece moved from the chess teacher..so I didn’t get a boil, getting him to understand how a knight moves. As we started our first game, it was evident that he thought the objective of the game was to ‘eat’ as many pieces as possible. Well.. I ate his queen and declared a “check-mate”, to which he asked, “Does this mean it’s over? You won?”. I nodded my head..and he sat there, trying so hard to hold his tears in. To him, this was his first lost. He was trying so hard to swallow that lump of losing…but the dam broke. Tears started rolling down his cheeks and I knew he didn’t understand what losing meant.

C’mon… who has deliberately let their kid win in a board game? I won’t tell anyone. We want to let our kids taste the sweet smell of success. We want them to be winners! But..we can’t let them win all the time, can we? I feel that it would make them lose respect for other players. Become gloaters. A gloating winner is the worst person to play with.

I’m glad to say, 2 years on…and we’ve dropped playing chess (as it was taking too long to finish!), and we’re playing monopoly now. Yes, he now understands what losing means..and does not mind losing as well. And when he wins, he’s very gracious about it. He gives me a hug and tells me to try harder next time. ;D When he loses, he grins and says cheekily, “I’m gonna win the next game! Just you watch!”.

Another example I want to share was a recent experience with a pre-schooler. She goes to pre-school with my 3 year old boy. She’s one half of a twin, and the teachers have been trying to teach this set of twins to socialize with kids other than themselves. They pretty much stick together during snacks and playtime. Let’s call her “Amanda”.

This one instance, there was a group of pre-schoolers, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls is pretty much the ‘top dog’ and took both boys into the cubby house. She closed the door on Amanda and told her, “You’re not allowed inside with us”.

She didn’t know how to respond, turned to me, and said, “Milly doesn’t want me to play. She’s not being nice.”

I’m no expert, so all I could say was, “If she doesn’t want to play with you, that’s ok. What do you think we should do?”. Amanda replied, “I think I wanna play with someone else. Someone else who will play with me.”.  With that, we walked together to another group of kids, and she managed to blend in again. Sometimes, we have to help them problem solve a situation, so that they can apply it a little later in their lives.

I think little lessons like this help our little kids build up resilience. An understanding that our world is not perfect. That things are not given to us on a silver platter.  It does sound a bit harsh when I write it this way, but I truly believe that if we continue cotton-balling them, they’ll grow up to be spoilt bratty adults. And I’m sure we all know one or two of them, be it in the office or community.

Always show your child/children that in every circumstance (good or bad), you will always love them, support them and will guide them, if necessary. Because that’s the best way to help your child realize his potentials.

Here are some great resources I want to share with you, about resilience :

• APA Help Center : What makes Kids Care in a Violent World
• Kid’s Health : Resilience
• Family TLC : 10 ways to make your children more resilient.

Parenting’s really hard work, but if you and I keep at it, and we’ll see good results in the near future!

Spike, a ten year old out of control boy, has friends. We all have friends. But his friends aren’t the kind you want him around. They surely aren’t the kind you want him to bring home, not that he cares.

He will bring his friends home if he wants to but generally he doesn’t want to because home is boring and he spends a lot of time trying to escape it anyway. Since home is the scene of much of his anger, Spike isn’t around it any more than he has to.

Instead, he hangs with the bottom feeders any place else. That’s what the cops call them. The bottom feeders are a motley bunch of misfits and losers. There are girls and boys. Some are older. Some younger. There is the adopted kid and the foster kid and the kid who got thrown out of his house and kid who lives with his grandparents because his parents are such jerks, etc.

There are a bunch of kids. They all hate their parents, they all hate school and they all hate anyone who looks remotely successful. So they huddle together in some run down house which belongs to one of these kid’s Moms. The Mom isn’t in much better shape than the kids. She probably has a history of depression, alcohol abuse and difficulty holding down a job.

The one thing she does really well is, she accepts them. She thinks these kids are hers and she loves everyone one of them. Her compassion for these rejects is really remarkable. The kids act very differently around her than they do in front of their own parents. It tells you something about their potential. Remove the threat and watch them relax.

What this lady does is show acceptance by never criticizing, by listening and by obvious caring. Do you think you could co-exist with Spike and not criticize? Listen? Care? Sure, her skill is probably an extension of her own unfulfilled need for love. It is likely that she has a desperate history of her own. But so what?

This sort of thing happens in every town in America. But this Mom isn’t going to be invited over anywhere for tea. In fact, she will probably end up getting herself arrested for supplying booze to minors. But in the meanwhile, she plugs a hole in these kid’s lives. Their parents could learn from her if they would.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.