Tips to ensure your kids are staying safe in the Cyber-World…

By Lynette Owens, founder and director of outreach for Trend Micro’s Internet Safety for Kids and Families program

As this holiday season officially kicks off, shopping is in full force for most of us parents. This is the right time to ask ourselves, “Are my kids ready for the latest tech toys that they will undoubtedly be asking for this year?” While most kids know the fun side of tech toys, they are not always aware of the responsibilities and risks associated with them.

As a high-tech mom of two and the head of Trend Micro’s Internet Safety for Kids & Families program, I’ve put together some tips to help you make sure your kids are using these tech toys wisely and safely. Along with their new technical abilities, we need to teach them how to be responsible, gadget-owning citizens.

Some ways to approach the basic question, “are they ready?”

If your kid wants a cell phone or a smartphone, consider this:

• Determine first what they will use it for and when, where and with whom. If this is their first phone, it might be best to limit calls to you as parents, only. There are phones that are designed only to call select numbers – mom and dad buttons but nobody else.

• For older kids who want more freedom, think about whether you want them to receive and make calls to anyone they want. One way to limit open access it to consider family plans that offer number limits.

• Ask yourself honestly, “do your kids need Internet access or text messaging on their phone?” These extras can not only be costly, but can also open up opportunities to come across things they may not be ready for online. Consider phone plans that exclude or limit these offerings.

• If you allow your kids to have Internet access on their phone, consider adding a filtering service that blocks inappropriate content.

• Many phones have cameras. While fun to have, there are risks. Talk to your kid about what is and isn’t appropriate when using their camera phone. Let them know that if they take pictures they’d be embarrassed to show you or their teachers, then the pictures should NOT be taken. Inform them that some pictures could even be illegal (child pornography is a felony, after all). Also, be sure to tell them that if they receive inappropriate images on their phone, they should tell you immediately so you can report it to other parents or teachers, depending on the situation.

If your kid wants a video game console, remember:

• Keep it in a common area where you can supervise what is on the screen and set usage time limits.

• Be sure to check recommended age-ratings on the box as a guide to whether a child, kid or teen should be playing certain games. Like movies, video games have age-ratings. Also, the consoles have settings to prevent age-inappropriate games on the device, so be sure to take advantage of those and turn them on!

• If the game consoles in your home can connect to the Internet, consider either blocking Internet access, or turn on the filtering setting.

• If your kids are into social networking gaming, again keep it where you can see it. Let your child or teen know that while their use of it is harmless, other players can lie about who they are, their age, gender and where they live. Therefore, you need to remind them to NEVER to meet a stranger in person.

If your kid wants a new computer or any other gadget that connects to the Internet, some tips to remember:

• If you allow your kids to get online, supervise their online time. Keep the PC, gaming device, or mobile device in a place where you can check in on them and set limits on their time online.

• Get to know the sites your kids are using or want to use on the Internet. If they are old enough to be using it, ask yourself who else might be using the site.

• Some sites require registration, which requires personal information. Therefore, it is important to know what the sites your kids are visiting and what each site’s security and privacy policies are.

• The rules for being a good citizen offline also apply online: Talk to your kids about treating people with respect and the importance of keeping private information private. Remind them not to talk to strangers and that they should always report any odd or suspicious behavior to you, whether online or offline. I’ve found that a great way for us as parents to teach our kids safe online habits is to model these habits ourselves as an example to our children.
  Some of the most reputable security software can help block websites based on kids ages. However, even with filters, kids may still innocently click on or download something they never intended to, such as a virus or spyware. Bottom line: use security software and keep it up-to-date.

Most important, stay involved and stay educated!

Internet safety topics and issues change with new websites and new laws. New issues will continue to grow as new technologies arrive and as kids grow up. Making Internet safety a priority for the family means being an active participant in it.

About The Author

Lynette T. Owens is Director of Corporate Outreach for Trend Micro’s Internet Safety for Kids and Families (ISKF) program. Lynette founded the ISKF program to help deliver on the company’s vision of making a world safe for the exchange of digital information. Ms. Owens is the author of Trend Micro’s ISKF blog, which covers several topics related to Internet safety for kids and families, and is a strong advocate for youth and the importance of their role in helping to educate as much as be educated. In early 2010, she helped launch the company’s first annual Internet safety video competition, named “What’s Your Story?”, showcasing the voice of youth on a wide-range of topics related to their internet safety.

Lynette spends most her time helping to raise awareness and educate the public on the issues of internet safety for kids, recruiting employee volunteers to get involved or volunteering her own time in her community. She devotes the rest of the time to her own kids and husband, and with any remaining minutes, loves to travel with her husband, discover new music, and spend time with friends and family around the world.

Article contributed by Dr. Fran Walfish

When children lash out in anger after not getting their way, parents typically respond with a stern reprimand and treat their child’s outburst as “wrong” or negative. Or, a parent might succumb to his child’s bad behavior by letting her do as she pleases. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, the leading Beverly Hills child and family psychotherapist whose caring approach and innovative strategies have placed her at the forefront of her profession, “Most children lose their connection to their parents during episodes of anger. This breakdown causes children to keep secrets and hide things from their parents, ultimately creating pathways to later issues including lying, drug and alcohol use, and more.”

Dr. Fran’s Parenting in 3-D methodology, which has been a transformative force in the lives of parents for the better part of two decades, provides a powerful solution for dealing with your child’s anger in a way that builds self-esteem and creates a healthy expression of all emotions at an early age.

“When parents can acknowledge, invite, and openly validate angry feelings, their child becomes calm and feels accepted,” Dr. Fran adds. “This acceptance is what builds the child’s evolving self-esteem and is a prerequisite for all good relationships with peers, teachers, employers, spouses, and you, their parents.”

Next time your child lashes out in anger, Dr. Fran strongly urges putting into practice her Parenting in 3-D formula:

Discard the DEFENSIVE. Every parent wants to be both loved and liked by their child. Parents should understand that your child will sometimes be mad at you or reject you altogether (especially when you are asking them to stop a behavior or do something they would rather not do).This behavior is a necessary part of claiming themselves as a separate being with individual wants and wishes. Don’t undermine the boundaries you attempt to create by being defensive or giving in. Instead, take a deep breath (or two) and think before speaking.

DEMONSTRATE empathy with words. In the midst of a tantrum or other exaggerated behavior, many parents refuse to accept the episode, and ignore it by stepping away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his/her feelings are not accepted. Instead, acknowledge to your child that you understand he is disappointed and upset, and narrate verbally what your child is feeling. Say with warmth and sincerity, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about how mad you are at me.” Also address your child’s response with empathy. For instance, with a three-year-old, you might say, “Mommy sees you are disappointed. You want more play time and now it’s bath time. You got angry at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him/her view you as a person that they can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as she grows and faces larger issues.

DIRECTIVE-DISCIPLINE with boundaries. Talking through a situation allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and “directing” (i.e. moving your child toward his responsibility, or your command). In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. Do not over-indulge him with gadgets and gifts to compensate for his struggles.

According to Dr. Fran, being a good parent requires two things to happen together: loving/nurturing your child, and at the same time, setting/holding boundaries. To love your child is only half the job; children need firm boundaries, too.

About The Author

A frequent guest on top-tier TV programs, including NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams and KABC-TV in Los Angeles, and often appearing in major national publications such as Parents Magazine, Family Circle and Woman’s Day, Dr. Fran continues to lead the field with her expert insights and innovative strategies for parents, children and couples.

Her upcoming book, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child from Palgrave Macmillan/St. Martin’s Press, is scheduled to launch December 7, 2010. Visit her on the Web at www.DrFranWalfish.com.

Whenever a child is missing and foul play suspected, stepmothers collectively breathe a sigh of concern, hoping that a stepmother is not involved. They worry that both the media and everyone else will immediately go to the default stereotype that stepmothers are evil and wicked, and responsible for the child’s disappearance.

The stereotype that stepmothers are wicked has existed for thousands of years, popularized by “Cinderella,” and “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” fairy tales collected by the Grimm brothers. These folktales serve a greater function than merely entertain children; they reinforce the moral lessons that a society wants its members to learn. Unfortunately, the message that stepmothers are “the bad guys” still persists in the 21st century, despite the fact that there are approximately 15 million stepmothers with stepchildren under the age of 18 in the U.S. When adult children are included in these estimates, there may be as many as 36 million stepmothers. How can so many women be wicked?

Stepmothers come in all shapes and sizes, with different personalities. The vast majority of whom are loving, kind, and compassionate to their stepchildren yet the stereotype still persists. And, stereotypes matter. Unconsciously, they oftentimes influence us to hold beliefs and make decisions based on inaccurate information. If people believe stepmothers are wicked, they will treat them poorly. Too many stepmothers end up exhausted by, and depressed from trying to repair their misimpression others have of them. Here are a few tips to overcome the stepmother stereotype:

1. Focus on the young: The stepmother stereotype is inculcated in small children from the moment they can understand the stories being read to them. One way to overcome the stigma associated with stepmothers is if parents would take the time after reading Cinderella to their children to explain to them that most stepmothers are loving and kind. Even though Cinderella’s stepmother was cruel, not all stepmothers are bad. Parents might then give their children some examples of good stepmothers whom their children know to contrast Cinderella’s wicked one. This would balance out the negative image to a more neutral one.

2. Self examination: Do you perceive stepmothers in a negative light? Try an experiment to find out if you see stepmothers negatively by becoming conscious of the times you think of one. Are the adjectives you use negative (such as wicked, evil, mean, horrid), or positive (such as loving or kind)? If you are like most people, you will notice that you think of stepmothers negatively. What you think has a tremendous influence on your behavior and beliefs. By changing your negative view of stepmothers to either a positive one or a neutral one, you ensure that you do not prejudge stepmothers unfairly. Rather, you treat them fairly, something we all deserve.

3. Stop offensive stepmother remarks: It’s inappropriate for anyone to use a derogatory term for a member of any ethnic group. Jokes that poke fun at certain races or nationalities may seem harmless, but they covertly reinforce stereotypes that compartmentalize, and inaccurately define, who a person may be. This is true for stepmothers as well, so don’t allow others to use derogatory adjectives when describing stepmothers in your presence. Tolerating contemptuous and ignorant remarks about stepmothers is unacceptable, and can damage their self-esteem, even when the thoughts are expressed as a form of humor or endearment. You might consider saying, “I know you don’t mean any harm, but that comment is offensive to me because it perpetuates a stereotype about stepmothers.”

4. Eliminate over-functioning by stepmothers: Indoctrinated by the same cultural stigma as everyone else, many stepmothers try to compensate for the “wicked stepmother” stereotype by over-functioning. They take on greater responsibilities in their stepfamilies to make up for any deficiencies others may perceive. They work hard to prove that they are different, that negative stereotypes do not apply to them. When any of us try too hard to overcome a label attributed to us, we tend to become anxious which interferes with our efforts to succeed. In fact, they may even serve to perpetuate these stereotypes. Instead of wasting time and energy trying to prove to family members and friends they are kind and loving, stepmothers should breathe deeply, relax, and focus on accepting they are “good enough” exactly as they are.

5. Stand tall, stepmothers: To avoid being judged and criticized by others, too many stepmothers try to be invisible, and won’t share their frustrations with this most challenging role to family and friends. They end up feeling isolated and lonely even when surrounded by others. Stepmothers have nothing to be ashamed of. Their struggles are not personal; they are endemic to stepfamilies from the effects of divorce, and the insidious nature of the stepmother stereotype. Stepmothers can be helped by reaching out to others who are going through something similar by joining a stepmother support group, either in one’s community or online. Peer support groups provide guidance and encouragement to stepmothers, as well as serve another important function. They can be part of the process to overcome the stepmother stereotype. When stepmothers help each other improve their self-esteem, they can recognize and embrace their contribution to their stepfamilies. their pride can counteract the negativity of the stepmother stereotype. A collective voice is more powerful than a silent one, and can accomplish major changes.

Many other groups have succeeded to overcome the unfair stereotype attributed to them. Let’s all work together to finally banish the stepmother stereotype!

About The Author

Rachelle Katz, Ed.D. is a psychotherapist with 25 years in private practice in New York City. She is the author of The Happy Stepmother, self-help guide for stepmothers. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as an addictions specialist, certified in alcoholism and substance abuse counseling. She received her B.A. in Psychology from Clark University, her M.Ed. in Counseling Psychology from Boston College, her M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the New School for Social Research, and her doctorate in Family and Community Education from Teachers College, Columbia University. She is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Psychological Association and the American Counseling Association.

Since May 2004, Rachelle owns and moderates www.stepsforstepmothers.com, a website designed for stepmothers to provide support, advice, and encouragement to each other. She also leads a monthly support group for stepmothers in New York City. She has been married for 19 years, and has a 23-year-old stepdaughter.

In a society that claims that we are “all created equal,” some folks have a hard time with differences, especially when others seem naturally better or better off than they are. There is a tendency to put down people who stand out in a crowd, achieve more, and are rewarded more-a desire to “bring the stars back down to earth” as it were. In Australia there is an expression for this practice: “cutting down the tall poppies.”

Children who are gifted and talented have to deal with poppy-cutters early in life. During middle school in particular, kids desperately want to feel ‘normal.’ They want to feel like they belong, and being different, smarter, or better in any way can feel to them like a disadvantage. Jeffrey did not want to boast about his high grades and he actually hid them from his friends. “It’s not cool to be really smart,” said Suzanna, “especially for girls.” She added, “but I don’t care,” with a tone of resignation about the anti-intellectual attitudes she had to battle every day.

It’s a sad situation when kids (or adults) are made to feel ashamed of their gifts. Discover how your child feels about being different, or about being around people who are different from him. Encourage him to feel secure about his differences. Teach him to separate cultural messages from his own self-worth.

Here are some strategies for protecting self-esteem that you can use and teach to your kids:

• Inquire. If someone insults you, ask “Is something wrong?” or “What do you mean by that?” This puts the responsibility back on the insult-giver and gives them the opportunity to express and clarify themselves.

• Confront. No one needs to “grin and bear it” or be martyr. If a put-down hurts, simply say, “Ouch,” and stand your ground. Letting the insult-giver know you have feelings might make him or her think twice about being mean.

• Withdraw. We don’t want to be around people who are nasty or cruel. It’s smart to get out of harm’s way; it might even save your life. But don’t get in the habit of running away from your problems.

• Consider the Source. Some people seem to wallow in negativity. Let them express whatever emotions they choose, remembering that those opinions have little or nothing to do with you.

• Don’t take it personally. People cut poppies to make themselves feel better, or at least better than you. Instead of reacting, you might try to figure out what’s underneath the barb. The put-down may have absolutely nothing to do with you!

• Humor. Many bright people have discovered that making others laugh is a good way to win them over. It’s also a wonderful skill for defusing tension. When teased about her coke-bottle glasses, for example, Helen would cheerfully reply, “Well, four eyes are better than none!” It always helps to think of a comeback before you need it so you don’t feel put on the spot.

• Make a Neutral Remark. When they finish their hurtful comment say, “Oh,” or “I see,” and leave it at that.

• Disagree. If someone called you a green kangaroo, would it hurt your feelings? Of course not, because you know that it isn’t true. What others say about you is just their opinion. You know the truth about yourself.

• Sift Through. There may be a grain of truth in what they’re saying, but they haven’t learned how to tactfully give you helpful feedback. For example, if someone calls you “slow poke,” explore that some more. You might actually need to speed things up a bit.

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If an insult gets to you, don’t dwell on it. Try the following:

• Talk to a Friend. Find someone who is a good listener. Talking about it can help you think it through; it can also help you get perspective and release negative feelings. That’s one reason people go to counselors and therapists.

• Use Positive Self-Talk. Repeat this phrase to yourself over and over: “No matter what you say or do to me, I am a worthwhile person.”

• Give Yourself a Hug. Give one to your child. Hugs are great for a send-off in the morning, a welcome home later on, or an affectionate goodnight ritual. Life goes better with hugs! Use your imagination to support yourself:

• Wear a Shield. Imagine yourself wrapped in an invisible bubble of protection or white light. Negativity that comes your way will bounce right off.

• “Wax Your Back.” Each morning, pretend to coat yourself with wax or Teflon so insults and negativity slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

• Talismans. A piece of jewelry or a “lucky” garment that has special meaning to you can be a source of personal strength and power. (Super heroes do this all the time.)

• Permission to Be Different. Teach your kids that there is no one like them in the whole world. They are unique and they should be proud of that. This attitude can help them deal with pressure to conform. Give them permission to be who they really are.

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Try these strategies and come up with new ones to protect self-esteem. You can even combine strategies. You don’t have to put up with put-downs. Practice the strategies with your children.

Above all else, increase the number of positive interactions you have, as well as the number of supportive people with whom you surround yourself. Bolster your self-esteem and self-worth on a daily basis. Just as enhancing the immune system can increase health and protect you from illness, enhancing self-esteem can increase well-being and protect you from social problems.

If all kids and parents could discover their abilities and find ways to express their gifts, the whole poppy field might stand a little taller and be more beautiful than ever!

Sign up for her free Positive Parenting Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Louise Hart is a community educator, and author of two books. The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem have been translated into half a dozen languages. A professional speaker, she currently teaches Positive Psychology as it applies to parenting. Dr. Hart has a Doctorate of Education in Community Psychology, which deals with the relationships of the individual to family, communities and the wider society.

Copyright 2010 Dr. Louise Hart is a Community Psychologist, author, and Grandmother.

Sign up for her free Positive Parenting Newsletter at http://www.drlouisehart.com.

Louise Hart is a community educator, and author of two books. The Winning Family and On the Wings of Self-Esteem have been translated into half a dozen languages. A professional speaker, she currently teaches Positive Psychology as it applies to parenting. Dr. Hart has a Doctorate of Education in Community Psychology, which deals with the relationships of the individual to family, communities and the wider society.

Copyright 2010 Dr. Louise Hart is a Community Psychologist, author, and Grandmother.

by

Emma Jenner, child development, sleep and behavioral specialist

Founder, Emma’s Children www.emmaschildren.com

1. All children regardless of age must have their own passport. For further information go to http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/minors/minors_834.html
2. If someone other than the biological parents is traveling with a child they must carry a letter of authorization from the parents. This should state that you (the parents) give named person permission to travel with your child (child’s name) in and out of specified countries. Include a contact number where you can be reached at all times in the case of an emergency or any potential complications.
3. Check for vaccinations that may be required for the country to which you’re traveling. Remember to take the vaccination certificates with you to prevent refusal of entry upon arrival.
4. Buy a comprehensive health insurance plan that will cover everyone in your travel party whilst abroad in case of an emergency.
5. If you have any concerns about your child’s health (ear ache, sore throat) you should consult with Doctor before traveling. Children cannot travel with contagious diseases, for example: Chicken Pox.
6. If your child requires formula be sure to check with your airline and airport about their security regulations as each vary. Depending on their regulations in regards to taking milk through security you may need to take powered formula and buy bottled water once you’re through security.
7. Children over the age of two are required to have their own seat. Instead of traveling with bulky car seats there are now FAA approved harness style safety devices for children 22-44lbs.

Keeping your child happy and comfortable on the plane, please follow the tip that’s age appropriate for your child:

-Remember your child’s comfort blanket or favorite soft toy. Take an extra blanket, as it can get chilly.

-Buy new reading books, coloring books (Color Wonder is great) and toys that your child hasn’t seen. This will keep their interest longer and prevent them from getting bored.

- A Personal DVD player is a blessing to resort to when your child is beyond entertaining. The ‘Leapster’ by Leap Frog along with educational games is also a wonderful source of entertainment. For your fellow passengers please don’t forget headphones.

-The pressure during take-off and landing can really hurt a child’s ears, depending on the age make sure you have a drink or lollypop on hand. Sucking helps relieve the pressure.

-Always bring change of clothes incase of spills or an accident and if you have room throw in a spare top for yourself especially if traveling with a young baby.

-Ensure you have enough supplies; diapers, wipes, sippy cups or bottles. Bring plenty of snacks and or formula.

-Carry on Tylenol or Motrin (must be under 3.4oz/100ml), for the unexpected fever or teething pains etc.

-Understand it’s a lot to expect a child to sit still for any length of time. Allow them to stretch their legs by walking up and down the isle. This can also calm and soothe an unhappy younger child or baby.

Wishing you safe and happy travels!

About The Author

Emma Jenner, a child development and behavioral specialist, was raised in Oxford, England until the age of 12 then proceeded to live in various parts of the world including Germany and Cyprus before returning to England where she specialized in childcare at Salisbury College.

Emma first worked as a nursery school teacher. Her love of children, of all ages, led her to a career as a professional nanny and baby nurse for over a decade. During this time, Emma worked with a variety of high profile and celebrity families. An entrepreneur, Emma founded a sleep consulting business and a nanny-training academy in the Los Angeles area. She was also the star of the popular TLC series Take Home Nanny, where she worked closely with parents to give them the tools necessary to allow them to regain control of family chaos.

With an abundance of experience and proficiency in raising children and with a specialization in sleep training, Emma has recently launched Emma’s Children, a consulting service whose goal is to provide parents the tools they need to take care of their most valuable asset.

A fun-loving, busy individual, Emma believes in raising children with a firm, disciplined, yet loving and nurturing approach — one that insists on good manners and respect to and from all family members. She strives in her work to create harmony in the home by helping parents maintain a loving and nurturing environment.  Emma’s expertise has been broadcast on syndicated radio show as well as several parenting magazines.

By Dr. Michael Aziz, author of The Perfect 10 Diet

Many families are struggling these days to make ends meet, and sometimes the first thing to go when faced with a tough financial situation is what food you’re putting on the table. What many families don’t realize is that you can eat healthy without breaking the bank.

Some food is cheap for a reason; it is made from the poorest quality ingredients and with an abundance of additives to cover up the poor quality and taste. Food is medicine. So if you take your health into account, processed food or fast food is not cheap at all – it leads to poor health which leads to higher medical bills.

We all want to feed our families good food, and it doesn’t have to stretch the budget to do so. Here are some words of advice:

• Although I advise that my patients eat organic as much as possible, you don’t have to buy everything organic to avoid pesticides – some fruits such as bananas and oranges have thick skin which keep pesticides out.
• Your local produce stand or farmer’s market can be a great source for healthy bargains. For the best deals, shop often and look for reduced produce or end-of-the-day specials.
• Instead of white pasta or white rice, go for for frozen vegetables with no additives. Cruise down the frozen food aisles, and you’ll find big bags of veggies at bargain prices – sometimes as little as $1 a bag.
• Slash your produce prices even further by growing your own vegetables and fruits. Like fresh herbs? Grow your favorites in small pots by the kitchen window, and take a snip whenever you need it.
• Beans and lentils, whether canned or dried, make nutritious, hearty soups, and can be a main course with the addition of fresh vegetables or rice.
• Although brown rice takes more time to cook than white rice, the nutritional payoff is well worth it. The same goes for pasta. Pasta, whole wheat variety, is quick and easy to prepare, and can be paired with veggies, meat, or a fresh salad. Have fun adding your own embellishments (mushrooms, spices, and herbs).
• Reserve a day for cooking – plan the week and even freeze food to be used later.
• Save your vegetable trimmings to make your own vegetable stock. Not only do you save money, but vegetable stock also makes a nutritious base for casseroles and soups.
• Capitalize on one-pot dishes, which generally save prep time and money, and often make great leftovers.

Saving money on grocery bills does not have to come with sacrificing our health. For more information, including healthy recipes and shopping lists from The Perfect 10 Diet, please visit www.perfect10diet.com.

About the Author

Dr. Michael Aziz is board certified in internal medicine and the founder of Midtown Integrative Medicine on Madison Avenue. Dr. Aziz is also an attending physician at St. Vincent’s Hospital, where he teaches residents and medical students. He is a member of the American College of Physicians and the American Society of Internal Medicine, and a fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine in the United Kingdom. Dr. Aziz has been a national and international speaker in front of many distinguished organizations including the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine, the leader in natural hormones replacement. He is the author of The Perfect 10 Diet.

By Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.,

author “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child”

On the web at DrAGibson.com and blogging at gotanangrykid.com

Spike is a ten year old out-of-control child. There is nothing his Mom and Dad can do by reward or punishment that actually works. He will resist anything. Yet, they try to force him into change. They think aggressiveness will subdue him. It won’t. They are doomed to find out the hard way.

One way they try to get Spike to behave is to threaten him. They get in his face. They raise their voice. They are hostile. They tell him he’s gonna get a slap if he doesn’t stop. They grab for a ruler, yardstick or something to shake at him. The dare him to step over the line. Everything is a threat. They are oblivious to his anger. Spike will step over the line anytime he feels like it. He doesn’t give an inch. He gives back what he gets.

What is the story with these people? Why can’t they see that this kid isn’t budging? Because they are stuck, that’s why. You can’t persuade Spike to do anything by threatening. Threatening is okay to keep a normally developing kid in line; it isn’t okay to manage an out-of-control child. It doesn’t work. Spike’s parent’s experience with their son should be obvious. But their experience hasn’t sunk in yet: out of control means out of control. Threat is a control technique. It is D.O.A.for Spike before it even leaves his Dad’s mouth.

Don’t they see and hear that Spike is doing the exact same thing to them as they are to Spike? He doesn’t shrink from their anger; he steps up to it. He yells. He swears. He insults. He threatens violence, too. Dad gets carried away and slaps Spike. Spike punches him back. Somebody threatens to call the cops. Somebody else says, “Go Ahead! Who cares?”

Spike doesn’t care. Cops don’t scare him. His folks have called the cops before. Nothing happens The cops have better things to do than referee this dogfight. They’ll threaten the family with a warning; they’ll scold his parents in front of him; they’ll get all tough sounding to Spike; then they’ll leave, just like last time.

We need an adult here. This kid is a coiled snake; if his parents ever want to hear the words ‘Spike’ and ‘normal’ in the same sentence they need to make changes. They may have given up even hoping that will happen. They shouldn’t. They must be poised, and dignified. They need a calm, low tone of voice. They need to say as little as possible. They should not touch him. They should keep a comfortable distance between themselves and him. The less they do the better.

No surprises. No threats. Spike is out of control. It’s his parent’s job prepare for his return to civilized behavior. They can. They need to give him the fewest possible excuses to become enraged. Send him away to a residential school? Bad idea. He’ll come back in a year or so and pick up where he left off. A big parenting change is required. If Spike’s parents are seriously considering a residential school, they are advised to learn how to manage him first. Otherwise, he is likely to run away from the school.

If he wants to talk, listen. But don’t beg him. Don’t allow provocation to upset you. Stay calm and focused. Tone is important. Deflect inappropriate comments. Don’t say anything negative. Be aware of your anxiety level. He is sensitive to parental anxiety and feeds on it. Don’t be humorous. Don’t praise or flatter him. Don’t sympathize either. If there is a problem, try breaking it down into smaller actionable pieces. If he can’t handle it, don’t.

Will this make Spike stop? No, not by itself. It’s a step. It represents a huge change from the parent who got in his face and slapped it. Threats are only good against the weak.

About The Author

Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day ( you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com or blog at gotanangrykid.com

By Andrew Gibson, Ph.D.,

author “ Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child”

On the web at DrAGibson.com

Ten year old Spike is out-of-control. To live with him is to yell. Spike brings out the yelling in everyone, especially in his family. They just can’t control themselves. He’s outrageous and, therefore, the center of attention. So everyone yells. Funny thing; he isn’t the least bit upset by the commotion. It reminds him that he’s boss.

“I’M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ONE SECOND LONGER!” Spike’s folks yell.

Spike’s folks yell when they get worked up. They think he‘ll care. He doesn’t. They sometimes threaten to call the cops but the cops aren’t going to do anything. Spike knows it. Spike has pushed his parents beyond their ability to cope. It’s easy to do: Swear at them a few times, disrespect them in public, beat up his little sister; get thrown off the bus; that sort of thing. The only weapon they have is yelling. It’s a pathetic weapon. Yelling gives the illusion of strength, power, and determination. But Spike knows his parents have none of these. Nobody knows us better than our kids. Yelling produces nothing but a headache. So why do it? Frustration.

“It isn’t my fault, I was frustrated.” Mom says?” He just makes me so mad!”

Meaning what? I’m weak? Is that the message Mom wants to send? She broadcasts that she’s vulnerable, easily manipulated and frazzled. She shouldn’t. It’s a bad idea. Spike will show no remorse about wrapping weakness around her neck. Surrendering to frustration is a mistake.

Mom needs to project strength. It’s is a hard when you are at your wits end. It is challenging and requires discipline but it can be done. What does she do? Simple: Stop yelling. Stop it cold turkey. Keep her voice so low it can’t be heard in the next room. Ever. But Mom says,

“ Aren’t I supposed to do something?”

Only if it is effective. If it isn’t, stop it. Whoever told Mom she needs to ‘do something’ never had a Spike. Nothing short of a fire should get her voice raised. If Spike is outdoors and it is supper time, she needs a whistle. If he is upstairs, she either walks up stairs and delivers a calm message or forgets it. Is this effort? You bet. Does it work? Beautifully. And, yes, it throws all the effort to produce change onto the shoulders of the rattled parent but remember the old adage,

“If you want something done well, do it yourself.“

It’s true. It takes a few weeks of this new strategy but it isn’t long before Mom notices that the household is calmer. Mom has an optimism that she hasn’t had before. Her family is following her for a change, not Spike.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.