Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Hating Teachers

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike saves all his charm for everyone except parents and teachers. Teachers are just an extension of parents and he doesn’t like either one. Spike is a ten year old, out of control child with a psychiatric diagnosis and a long history of being a pain in the neck. Or worse.

Spike thinks teachers are annoying. They don’t like him. He doesn’t like them. He can find something wrong with any of them and use it for justification to say and act out anything that he wants. They get impatient with him easily. Sometime they yell. They are often sarcastic. Their tone of voice sounds like it was scraped off the street. They are disrespectful and often can not find the strength to be kind. As far as Spike is concerned, all they do is push him away. So he pushes back.

Teachers, it turns out, are parents. By and large they are no more effective in dealing with kids like Spike than any other set of parents. They think that when they have a kid like Spike in their classroom, that their obligation is to let the kid know, as often as he needs reminding, that he is wrong.

Spike gets the message all right. But it doesn’t make him want to conform to their idea of ‘right’ any more than his parent’s nagging will. Like parents, they are also stuck in the negative, thinking that there is where they are supposed to be. After all, a disrespectful kid can’t be tolerated, can he?

Not only do teachers commonly find numerous parent-like ways of rejecting problems like Spike, they are also quick to accuse parents themselves of malpractice in parenting. Parents feel this very sharply. Teachers want parents to do something that they themselves can’t. Teachers, like most parents, are stuck in punishment as though their notion of punishment actually punishes. Accusation, for instance, is a form of punishment.

But does accusation have its desired impact? Probably not. It just builds resentment. As most parents of the Spike’s of this world understand, just because you are a professional in the child business doesn’t mean you are a good model. But it is also true that parents can often see negativity in teachers before they see it in themselves.

So, what to do? There is no reason that teachers need to hide behind, “ But I have 25 other kids!” as an excuse for sounding unkind. The other 25 need kindness, too. There is also no reason a teacher can’t establish and can’t keep high standards while at the same time sounding accepting.

A kid may need to go to the office, but he doesn’t need sarcasm, a crappy tone of voice, anger or impatience to get him there. It won’t get him to the office any faster nor will it keep the kid from returning to class any differently.

Teachers need to set the model that they want to see in parents. They are in a much better position to advise when they do.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Hanging Out With The Wrong Crowd

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike has friends. Spike is ten years old and a behavioral tsunami. That means, he doesn’t hang around the house any more than he needs to. He resents his parents so he makes himself scarce as a way of coping. It would, of course, be better if he hung around and tried to make things better but that isn’t the way the behaviorally disturbed think. So he exits.

Spike exits to a place that he thinks is safer; his friends. His friends are not gems, not by any means. They all have their dysfunctions. They all have their psychiatric diagnoses. They all have been dragged from program to program by their parents in an attempt to straighten them out. The dragging didn’t work. They all find one another as a kind of bottom feeding refuge. These kids are all losers; they are not tolerated by the normally adjusted peers. They live in a limbo that has labeled them as part rejected and part neglected. They have reputations as bad boys and bad girls. The good boys seek out the bad girls for a little slumming. The bad boys find their own bad girls.

Everyone needs someone. They are few genuine hermits out there. So these kids gravitate towards one another. They are various ages, genders and levels of craziness. It doesn’t matter. They can’t be real choosy. They are at or near the bottom of the social barrel.

These kids aren’t the hoped-for influences on one another that parents would prefer, although in large part these kids are secrets. They aren’t often brought around the house. They certainly don’t stay for supper when they do come by. As a result, parents don’t know a lot about these kids but what they do know they don’t like.

Parents are powerless to do much of anything about these companions in delinquency though they tend to act as though they do by saying silly things like, “I don’t want you hanging around with Zeke!” as though that has an ounce of impact.

The good news is that the bottom feeders are often temporary. The bad news is that temporary is largely in the hands of parents. The way that parents react to Spike, in general, makes all the difference in the world. If they chose to react, whether he is nasty or kind, in always the same, low-keyed, non-judgmental way, they will find that Spike will respond. As he gets more confidence he will gravitate away from this group.

Spike won’t give his pals up because his parents tell him to. He will give them up if you can strip away any sense of threat, criticism or rejection. It is a big job but it is a doable job.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Fighting with the little sister

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Mrs. Longobardi in Hartford writes that her Spike, a ten year old terror, attacks his younger sister without provocation. There doesn’t seem to be anything she can do to stop it. She has tried everything she knows. The kid pounds on the little one at will.

Mrs. Longobardi didn’t give a lot of other information, but we can surmise that if Spike is assaulting his sister that other things are going on. The beatings probably aren’t isolated.

Older kids generally attack younger siblings because they can. It is an old abuse story: victims are sniffed out because they are perceived to be weaker. Certainly a younger sister will fit that category.

The attacks happen in families in which there is a lot of anger and the tension that surrounds it. Generally the anger is a reciprocal problem between parents and a specific kid, in this case Spike. But, it is very likely that Spike’s resentment means that he wants an easy target on which to vent his own frustrations.

The assaults on the younger sibling have less to do with the younger sibling that they do with the atmosphere of the home. Sure, the younger one may be setting Spike off more than you think. The presumption of innocence has probably been over extended to the little one. But that likely fact doesn’t change much.

Spike is hypersensitive, hyper-threatened and hyper-reactive. He feels as though everyone is bearing down on him (they probably are), that he is always accused of things which he may or may not have committed (that’s true, too) and that no one gives him a break (again, probably true). Since he made himself into the dysfunctional family centerpiece, they react accordingly.

Their reaction keeps him on edge. If anything happens that even remotely looks like criticism, he swings into full defensive mode. Part of the way he defends himself is to smack the snots out of his little sister. Spike goes after her partially because she is complicit in making him feel lousy. He also goes after her because she is easier to overwhelm than his parents. This doesn’t meant that he treats his parents gently.

Oh, no. But it does mean that he can get more bang out of his assault buck by shoving her against a wall than his parents. She can’t fight back effectively. The meanness he feels needs expression, so he will find outlets where he can and use them.

The antidote is, of course, to reduce the tension in the household by removing Spike as the centerpiece. His parents may say, “Well, he puts himself there by his ratty behavior.” but that is only one half of the equation.

The other half is how they react. So, the educated guess is that Mrs. Longobardi reacts to every negative thing that Spike does. She reacts because she thinks she is supposed to react.

But if she will just step back a moment and examine this scenario, she will probably determine that her reactions do not make anything better. They don’t stop Spike. They probably just prolong the fight. In that case, Mrs. Longobardi needs to seriously experiment with not reacting.

Mrs. Longobardi should maintain whatever household standards she can but she can also do it in a way that is essentially neutral. If she violates her neutrality, that is a sign that she is ineffective in some specific situation.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- My Kid Steals

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Mrs. Jones in the Hartford, Connecticut area, writes to say that her ten year old son, Spike, steals. He steals from them, from his grandparents and from everyone else. And yet he has everything that any kid could possibly want. What is the story?

In our times, when we see a kid stealing everywhere we suspect drugs or alcohol. We assume he is trying to raise money to pay for them. But Mrs. Jones’ comment that he has everything already suggests something else is going on.

First, check out the possible drug connection. Look for some tell-tale signs: Does he display mood swings? Got a new set of friends? School performance worse than usual? Unusual trips to the doctor? Any of your booze missing? Attitude particularly negative? Does his clothing change for the worse? Does he use breath mints? Has be become even sloppier? Anyone ever suggest he might be using?

This is just a start and you can do a quick internet search to learn more if any of these things seem suspicious. But other than that, miserably unhappy kids steal because everything is theirs to begin with. They have a gross sense of entitlement. If you offer them a piece of pie, they will insist on taking the whole thing without so much as a thank you. They certainly do not feel any obligation whatsoever to work for future pie. They are entitled to pie, especially your pie. Period

The circumstances of Spike’s life, whatever they are, has convinced Spike that everyone has taken from him so he is going to take back. And, moreover, whatever he gets he should have gotten more of.

Generally what happens with kids like Spike, if their parents enroll in a serious course of learning how to detach themselves from his bad behavior, it will gradually go away. It is a hard route but an effective one when parents are ready for it.

The good news is that one of the things that parents can usually count on happening, is that the stealing will stop if they do a really good job of learning how to control themselves.

Therapy probably won’t do the trick though parents of kids like Spike should be in it anyway for the comfort they are likely to get. Spike will, of course, have nothing to do with it. Therapy relies too much on talk and Spike is immune to talk. He probably sees the therapists as an extension of his folks, anyway. It isn’t going to fly.

Spike needs action. The heavy lifting of eliminating all of Spike’s bad behavior, including stealing, is more likely to come from an active parental demonstration that what he does negatively won’t get the attention it used to receive. If we assume that stealing is just attention getting behavior we can test the theory by never reacting negatively to Spike’s incidents of theft. Escort him back to the store if you can. But don’t harangue him on the way. If he refuses to be escorted, drop it. This is the model for dealing with the rest of his bad behavior, too. It all adds up in ways parents never imagine.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

I honestly feel that RESILIENCE is one of the most important quality that every child should have. I feel it is something a child has to build up over time. Growing up is not an easy task, and as parents, we shouldn’t pave the road with gold bricks.

Hi! I’m Su Chin, and I am a parent of 3 boys. I’m not a parenting expert with PhDs and accolades behind my name. I’m just an observer and a learner. I learn so much from my kids. I learn so much from other people’s kids. I volunteer as a parent helper for my Grade 1 son and my 3 year old Kinder son. I’m no expert in the Teen years yet…but I’m taking all this in now, to gain experience points (oh no..playing too many games on Facebook!) to help me cope with the not-so-distant teenage years.

Here, I’m going to share with you how we should prepare our kids that failing, is part of success. One example I’ve experienced is playing board games with my first son. We first started playing, when he decided to join the chess club in school. Chess. Hmm…probably the hardest game to win. Well, he learnt how each piece moved from the chess teacher..so I didn’t get a boil, getting him to understand how a knight moves. As we started our first game, it was evident that he thought the objective of the game was to ‘eat’ as many pieces as possible. Well.. I ate his queen and declared a “check-mate”, to which he asked, “Does this mean it’s over? You won?”. I nodded my head..and he sat there, trying so hard to hold his tears in. To him, this was his first lost. He was trying so hard to swallow that lump of losing…but the dam broke. Tears started rolling down his cheeks and I knew he didn’t understand what losing meant.

C’mon… who has deliberately let their kid win in a board game? I won’t tell anyone. We want to let our kids taste the sweet smell of success. We want them to be winners! But..we can’t let them win all the time, can we? I feel that it would make them lose respect for other players. Become gloaters. A gloating winner is the worst person to play with.

I’m glad to say, 2 years on…and we’ve dropped playing chess (as it was taking too long to finish!), and we’re playing monopoly now. Yes, he now understands what losing means..and does not mind losing as well. And when he wins, he’s very gracious about it. He gives me a hug and tells me to try harder next time. ;D When he loses, he grins and says cheekily, “I’m gonna win the next game! Just you watch!”.

Another example I want to share was a recent experience with a pre-schooler. She goes to pre-school with my 3 year old boy. She’s one half of a twin, and the teachers have been trying to teach this set of twins to socialize with kids other than themselves. They pretty much stick together during snacks and playtime. Let’s call her “Amanda”.

This one instance, there was a group of pre-schoolers, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls is pretty much the ‘top dog’ and took both boys into the cubby house. She closed the door on Amanda and told her, “You’re not allowed inside with us”.

She didn’t know how to respond, turned to me, and said, “Milly doesn’t want me to play. She’s not being nice.”

I’m no expert, so all I could say was, “If she doesn’t want to play with you, that’s ok. What do you think we should do?”. Amanda replied, “I think I wanna play with someone else. Someone else who will play with me.”.  With that, we walked together to another group of kids, and she managed to blend in again. Sometimes, we have to help them problem solve a situation, so that they can apply it a little later in their lives.

I think little lessons like this help our little kids build up resilience. An understanding that our world is not perfect. That things are not given to us on a silver platter.  It does sound a bit harsh when I write it this way, but I truly believe that if we continue cotton-balling them, they’ll grow up to be spoilt bratty adults. And I’m sure we all know one or two of them, be it in the office or community.

Always show your child/children that in every circumstance (good or bad), you will always love them, support them and will guide them, if necessary. Because that’s the best way to help your child realize his potentials.

Here are some great resources I want to share with you, about resilience :

• APA Help Center : What makes Kids Care in a Violent World
• Kid’s Health : Resilience
• Family TLC : 10 ways to make your children more resilient.

Parenting’s really hard work, but if you and I keep at it, and we’ll see good results in the near future!

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike, a ten year old out of control boy, has friends. We all have friends. But his friends aren’t the kind you want him around. They surely aren’t the kind you want him to bring home, not that he cares.

He will bring his friends home if he wants to but generally he doesn’t want to because home is boring and he spends a lot of time trying to escape it anyway. Since home is the scene of much of his anger, Spike isn’t around it any more than he has to.

Instead, he hangs with the bottom feeders any place else. That’s what the cops call them. The bottom feeders are a motley bunch of misfits and losers. There are girls and boys. Some are older. Some younger. There is the adopted kid and the foster kid and the kid who got thrown out of his house and kid who lives with his grandparents because his parents are such jerks, etc.

There are a bunch of kids. They all hate their parents, they all hate school and they all hate anyone who looks remotely successful. So they huddle together in some run down house which belongs to one of these kid’s Moms. The Mom isn’t in much better shape than the kids. She probably has a history of depression, alcohol abuse and difficulty holding down a job.

The one thing she does really well is, she accepts them. She thinks these kids are hers and she loves everyone one of them. Her compassion for these rejects is really remarkable. The kids act very differently around her than they do in front of their own parents. It tells you something about their potential. Remove the threat and watch them relax.

What this lady does is show acceptance by never criticizing, by listening and by obvious caring. Do you think you could co-exist with Spike and not criticize? Listen? Care? Sure, her skill is probably an extension of her own unfulfilled need for love. It is likely that she has a desperate history of her own. But so what?

This sort of thing happens in every town in America. But this Mom isn’t going to be invited over anywhere for tea. In fact, she will probably end up getting herself arrested for supplying booze to minors. But in the meanwhile, she plugs a hole in these kid’s lives. Their parents could learn from her if they would.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

By Jay Tucker

Potty training can be one of the most stressful times in a parent’s life. We want so badly for our little ones to experience success with everything they do that sometimes we put too much pressure on them. Potty training is a process that doesn’t have to be remembered with tears and fear.

If you are going through the trials and tribulations of training your own child to use the toilet remember one thing; they will get the hang of it! My wife and I can speak from experience. Our potty training experience with our son was a frustrating one. But, thankfully, we came out on the dry side eventually. Here are some things we learned:

1. Punishment does not work- We were convinced that our son simply wasn’t trying. We tried all of the advice that we could handle from friends, family, the internet, and doctors. When we tried those things and failed, we resorted to taking things away from him. What we learned is that he simply wasn’t ready to use the toilet!

2. Children are often afraid of new things- We found out that our son was afraid of the sound the toilet made when it flushed! He was convinced that sitting on that contraption would result in horrible things. When we addressed his fears and showed him that the potty wouldn’t hurt him, he began to have success.

3. Size isn’t everything- Our son is head and shoulders taller than everyone else in his class. We discovered that sometimes the adults in his life expected more from him developmentally because of this. Just because your four year old is the size of a 6 year old doesn’t mean that everything else has caught up.

4. Children get stressed out too- You know how it feels to be stressed out. Some people work better under great stress, but most do not. Children need to know that they have your support! Save the stress for later in life when they are equipped to handle it. Putting stress on your little one during the potty training process will NOT result in positive results.

Our journey with our son inspired me to write a potty training book called, “Ferdinand Uses the Potty.” The story is about a young frog named Ferdinand who wakes up one morning in a wet bed. He has no idea what caused it, but fortunately, he has a supportive friend who has been there before to offer him encouragement and advice. “Ferdinand Uses the Potty,” is written in rhyme so that children and adults will enjoy one of life’s earliest lessons. The book is illustrated by award winning artist, D.E. West.

“Ferdinand Uses the Potty” is available through www.amazon.com and through the publisher Loving Healing Press. www.lhpress.com

 About The Author

Jay Tucker is the author of the new book, Ferdinand Uses the Potty, published by Loving Healing Press. Jay has contributed several articles to Parent Reviewers and is the author of the book The Whole Youth Worker; Advice on Professional, Personal, and Physical Wellness from the Trenches. You can learn more about Ferdinand the Frog and get more toilet training advice at www.ferdiethefrog.com

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Dad doesn’t understand why his kid is so awful?

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

Frank in Hartford asks, “ My kid is horrible. I don’t understand it. What did we do wrong?” This guy has a ten year old by the name of Spike who is miserable to live with. Frank may or may not have done anything wrong. It is sometimes hard to figure. Take the dilemma to a counselor or therapist and talk about it. They may be able to figure something out. What they come up with may or may not be accurate. It will seem logical, whatever it is but logical isn’t necessarily truth. Frank will probably have some sense of satisfaction that he at least think he know what he is dealing with.

However, knowing the problem is not the same thing as doing something effective about it. Most kids grow into their label, not away from it, because the treatments that they and their families are given are ineffective. It isn’t because people who give out those treatments don’t care; they do. It is just that the problem is tough. Maladjustment is often sort of like a fatal case of cancer; there are lots of treatments that help to keep you comfortable and may be even to slow down the spread but you are still going to die.

It is entirely true, however, that the longer Frank lives with Spike, the worse his son will get. Sounds mean and accusing, doesn’t it? This is not about blame. It means that in an effort to get some controls round Spike, we end up making the situation worse because what we do in the name of parenting enables the problem, doesn’t discourage it. That is because you use techniques (albeit an exaggerated form of them that are best applied to the normally developing kid. Yours isn’t. We can yell at the normally developing kid once in a while and we get compliance. Same for a rotten tone of voice, or sarcasm or any of a host of other things we do when we get upset. The kid may not like them but he isn’t going to go off the deep end. He will comply. Yet you apply those same techniques to the abnormally developing kid and you’ve got serious problems. It takes a long time to understand this dilemma.

So ultimately, it does not matter what the problem is. Knowing probably isn’t going to change anything. Frank can, if he will, make big changes in his life and the life of his son Spike if he will just learn to back away. He shouldn’t allow himself to get sucked into Spike’s meanness and unkindness. Anytime Frank finds himself returning fire for fire, he has lost. And Spike loses the most. Frank needs to get beyond his own anger. If in reading this over Frank feels blamed, he will never be able to get Spike to overcome himself. If, however, he feels responsibility, he can achieve a lot. Much depends on Frank’s frame of mind.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

 
Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- the neighborhood

by Andrew d Gibson, Ph.D.

Spike, a ten year old out-of-control kid, is a menace. It would be one thing if he just confined his maladjustments to this family. Terrorizing them is bad enough. But he takes his unhappiness out on the neighborhood as well. Nobody is particular likes him and he knows it, so he doesn’t have any problem getting into any unlocked car or back porch to see what he can swipe. He isn’t generally destructive though people invariably know he has been there. He has been known to cut down the decorative blue spruce in someone’s front yard for the family Christmas tree. If something is missing, his parents are the first that the neighbors call.

Spike has been a problem for his family for a long time. He must either have gotten bored or bold. He evidentially thought there was no new territory to conquer at home, so he’d spread out and see what the world offered. It has plenty. He takes a perverse pleasure in seeing what he can get away with. Sometimes it isn’t much and then someone calls the police. But the stuff he does is petty so the police don’t do a whole lot. They will show up at his parent’s door and threaten both Spike and his folks. Spike just swears at them which irritates them into more threatening but Spike knows they aren’t likely to do much. Spike knows how much he can get away with and how much he can’t so he plays things up to the edge.

The police are practically family members except they get annoyed with Spike’s parents and lecture them on how to be parents which is galling. There isn’t a whole lot his folks can do about the embarrassment except say they are sorry Spike is the way he is and that they would change things if they knew what to do. They don’t know, of course. and neither do the police. Everybody thinks if his folks would just get tough on him then, by golly, things would change. They assume that the police could scare him straight as in, “I’m gonna call the cops!” but it doesn’t faze him. He promises again to behave, the police leave and Spike heads out the back door to see what else he can rustle up. Spike doesn’t know it but he is on a long slide to a detention center. A sooner or later the system will catch up with him. Unfortunately, detention has the reputation of making things worse, not better. It will just give Spike another forum to be defiant.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.

Parenting Spike: The seriously difficult child- Grandparents

by Andrew D. Gibson, Ph.D.

You know the old saw about how it is better to be a grandparent than a parent; you have less responsibility and you can love your grandchildren more because of it. It happens to be true, if it happens at all. It doesn’t always. Take Spike. Spike, an out-of-control ten year old, helps keep himself and his family isolated from other family including his grandparents. He does it by being obnoxious. You can’t take him to a family gathering for fear that he will cause some upset somewhere. Somebody will get hit or sworn at. Your relatives will be offended by his disrespect. All your brothers and sister and aunts and uncles stare at you, demanding that you do something and think what a loser of a parent you are. That includes your parents, Spike’s grandparents. So they don’t have much of a connection with him and it is at a time when you could really use some help.

Help doesn’t happen. You want your folks to spend some time with him, get to know him, try to break through the nastiness and create something. You know you can’t but you hope maybe they can. If only they would. But they don’t. They have lots of reasons. But in the end they just don’t.

They weren’t brilliant as parents so this is an opportunity for them to correct how they did their job and try again. Actually had they been better, Spike as we  understand him, might not have happened. We model our parenting on the parenting we got and often with the same results. That can be good or not so good. Probably in Spike’s case it wasn’t so good. So there is no shortage of motivation to try and do for Spike what may not have been done for one of his parents. But you have to see the motivation in order to act on it. What it mostly takes is time. These same grandparents might join Big Brothers/ Big Sisters and extend a hand to some unfortunate child when at home they have one of their own who is struggling. The irony should be obvious. It often isn’t. Or they dedicate themselves to their church’s outreach programs. Or they write checks for some far off social programs. Or they are active in local charity. Their obliviousness is galling. You sometimes want to scream but screaming at them is as effective as screaming at Spike. Clearly, some things give them pleasure; some things don’t. Spike doesn’t. You’re on your own.

Grand parents are a hidden resource if they will be. It doesn’t take much money. It does take patience. Spike isn’t perfect; far from it. He won’t be overnight if they engage. His grandparents will have to tolerate some behavior they would prefer not to. If they are willing to put into the time they may get a lot in return; maybe more than writing a check to a far off project. In the meanwhile, they can go to the mall, get a burger or work on a (short) project together. They will need to keep expectations modest. Don’t push. Don’t lecture. Let Spike take the lead. Go slow. Don’t show disapproval. Writing a check to a far off project may give them a warm feeling, but engaging with Spike may make them even warmer. In the end, caring matters.

About The Author

 
Dr. Andrew Gibson was born in Detroit at the close of WWII. He grew up in the midst of farming country in central Michigan. Both parents were teachers. He keeps a picture of his childhood companion, Wags, to this day (you had to see the tail to appreciate the name). After discharge from the Navy after the Viet Name war, he graduated with a BA and MA from San Diego State University and earned his Ph. D from the University of Connecticut. He has taught at Portland State University, n Portland Oregon, at the University of Maine, Presque Isle and at SUNY New Paltz. He resides in Eastern Connecticut, with his wife of 41 years, where he conducts a private practice in parenting seriously difficult children. His book “Got An Angry Kid? Parenting Spike-A Seriously Difficult Child’ is the first of a series examining seriously difficult children at various age and emotional disturbance levels. He invites you to find him on the web at DrAGibson.com.